Are you tired of coyotes scavenging your neighborhood?
Well, now your small dogs are safe thanks to the EXPIRED MEAT DONATION CENTER OF AMERICA!
The EMDCOA is a non-profit (501c3 pending) that accepts your old steaks, rib racks, flanks, shanks, and planks. Then, for $70/week, we’ll redistribute these pieces in your own backyard, and you can just sit back and watch the majesty of 6 or 7 beautiful coyotes tear through your refrigerator waste—from the safety of your back porch!
We accept all types of meat:
Chicken (de-boned only please)
Get rid of your old meats while getting closer to wildlife. Donate today!
THE FINE PRINT: Terms and conditions apply. The EXPIRED MEAT DONATION CENTER OF AMERICA is not responsible for the behavior of coyotes. No live seafood accepted. Do not approach, engage, startle, pet, or groom feral and/or mangy coyotes, deer, rabbits, horses, hawks, or eagles. Do not consume raw and expired meats while pregnant.
Does your cat need a break from it’s busy life? Is napping in the sun and swatting at your ankles from under the end table too draining? Consider taking Mr. Mittens on a Cat Cruise!
Here at Felines of the Sea, we know cats love three things: water, unstable ground, and other cats. So, we’ve put it all together. You and your cat will be treated to seven carefree weeks on the ocean with all you can eat canned tuna fish for both of you.
The Felines of the Sea Cat Cruise includes:
A deluxe 8ft. X 4ft. luxury suite
2 litter boxes
Plastic cat vomit-proof bedsheets
On board swimming pool with cat waterslide
Sign up now, and reserve your spot in any of our two onboard restaurants. Seating is limited, but each chef is a 5-star Zagat-rated culinary genius.* Spend your days walking our decks, socializing with other cats (and the occasional stowaway german shepherd), and working out at one of our several cat-friendly gyms. At night, enjoy hilarious cat-themed improv in the Meow-zers Improv Theatre.
Book now, and receive a third litter box for your suite — absolutely free. Enjoy some fun at sea with your cat, and give that little guy the getaway he truly deserves.
Are you lonely? Do you hate yourself? Try the Local Music Podcasting Kit 3000!
What better way to self-punish than listening to and getting to know over 1000 local Indianapolis-area bands? With our “at least 981 of them are shitty” signature guarantee, you’ll wish you were back to crying in your glass of red in front of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer rerun at 2:30am in no time.
The kit includes:
Porn-watching software, such as “Internet Explorer”
A mannequin girlfriend
4 or 5 girl-repelling best friends
Get the Local Music Podcasting Kit 3000 today and seal the deal on a life known to the neighbor woman as the guy who stands right up against his window to watch her carry in groceries. THE FINE PRINT: Prolonged exposure can result in eczema, a dead snake—both literally and metaphorically, social awkwardness, soreness of other people’s ears, and 2 ex-wives.