Diesel Blanket 3000

As temperatures slowly drop this fall, do you wish you had an electric blanket to warm your bed?

Well forget that! A new, more powerful technology is available! It’s the GASOLINE-POWERED, HEATED “DIESEL BLANKET 3000!”

That’s right. Dream your nights away beneath the blanket that the Fireman’s Association of the Pacific Northwest ironically called “a total nightmare.” Gently fall asleep to the odiferous exhaust fumes and subtle 91-decibel purr of this gas-powered generator.

According to Sharon, of Lake Winnepacky, MN, “I sweated so much, I can drink a whole bottle of vodka and almost not feel it!”

And James from West Grizzly Pass, Alberta says, “If I had known about this blanket when I was still married, my ex-wife and I wouldn’t have had to burn down our own house on purpose just to hide the money laundering pyramid scheme I was running out of the basement! The house might have just burned down on it’s own and I wouldn’t have gone to jail. Hell, I probably could have sued the company and claimed the insurance money… Not owning this blanket is basically my biggest regret in life!”

You’ll never need to wear a full sweatsuit to bed again! This blanket is perfect as:

  1. A gift!
  2. To keep!

CALL NOW and receive a free Lyft ride to the gas station for your first tank of gasoline!

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The Wildlife Leadership Investment

Is your urban wildlife population dwindling in greatness? More specifically, are the bears in your midwestern metropolis not what they used to be?

MAYBE IT’S TIME TO CONSIDER THE WILDLIFE LEADERSHIP INVESTMENT!

According to the civic organization “Scientists Without Any Formal Education”, teams of grizzlies generally look to a leader when locked in a territory war with other packs. The WILDLIFE LEADERSHIP INVESTMENT is an initiative to incentivize the alpha Bear to reach for success.

With the hunting season drawing to a close, the following recommendations are presented for the success of the organization of Bears in Chicago:

1. Pander to the alpha Bear, despite performance of duties

2. Over compensate the beast, blindly believing his behavior will change

3. Assume without evidence that the alpha bear has leadership capabilities comparable to an alpha bronco, an alpha seahawk, or even the young alpha colt.

4. Never apologize for the lackluster competitive spirit of the alpha bear, or the apathetic facial expression it makes when huddle in the Chicago cold, watching his herd battle.

5. Allow the city that once was the natural habit to the largest and most ferocious alpha bull to descend into further mediocrity at the hands of the alpha Bear.

If these steps are followed, the alpha Bear will surely lead the herd to competitive success for a decade to come. We think. Probably.