Monthly Archives: August 2014

Al’s Ice Sculpture Challenge

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That’s right! It’s the viral sensation that is sweeping the nation:

AL’S ICE SCULPTURE CHALLENGE!

In response to the popular ice bucket challenge for ALS, local resident Albert Kent has devised a new trend! “It all started when I realize that my name, Al, had some of the same letters as ALS. My wife says I’m being insensitive, but what could be insensitive about making a little money at the expense of some people in need? It’s fun.”

AL’S PLAN: “So basically, you take a cell phone video of you making an ice sculpture. It can be something huge, or just a little ice cube shaved into a tiny horse or something. I don’t care. Then you challenge your friends to do the same, or they have to mail me 20 bucks.”

Al, a Pittsburgh native of 51, believes to be rich by the end of the year. “The best part about this plan, is that people are the stars of their own videos. It would be different if I was just like ‘Hey! Mail me $20 bucks for no reason!’, you know? I doubt anyone would do it.”

Contrary to popular belief, Al himself has actually never made an ice sculpture. He notes, “I have never liked them really.”

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The Automatic Haircut

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Don’t you hate it when you unevenly trim your neckline or accidentally slice the top part of your ear when you’re giving yourself a haircut? THERE HAS GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY!

Well, now there is. Introducing THE AUTOMATIC HAIRCUT.

Designed by barber Henri LaFont, the Automatic Haircut is the most convenient and cost effective way to get a good looking trim in the confines of your home. With eight presets including combover, buzz, mohawk, faux-hawk, mullet, and extra mullet, your perfect hairstyle is just 22 seconds away!

Operation of the home unit is simple! Place your dome inside the uniquely designed Style Box 3000, and let the series of automatic clippers, scissors, and razors do the job. What’s the best part? No cleanup. The Automatic Haircut sucks all the clipped ends and excess shaving cream off your noggin as it works. You will never have to worry about vacuuming under your haircut area again.

THE FINE PRINT: The Automatic Haircut is not responsible for the insertion of unauthorized limbs in the Style Box 3000. Keep unit clean for optimal performance. Dander, unclean hair, and blood can jam the clipping mechanisms. Always use the buddy system for third party supervision during use of product. First aid certification recommended but not required.

The Whites Only Omelette Festival

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Do you love egg-based breakfast food?!

Then you’ll love the WHITES ONLY OMELETTE FESTIVAL!

A celebration of breakfast food for health-conscious foodies worldwide, the WOOF showcases many diverse recipes for egg-white only omelette creation. For three weeks in August, festival goers enjoy live music, tasting booths, contests, and more.

DISCLAIMER: Due to unfortunate events during previous years’ Whites Only Omelette Festival, the WOOF committee would like to issue the following statements:

1. The Whites Only Omelette Festival is open to all races.

2. The Whites Only Omelette Festival will not tolerate demonstrations celebrating white race supremacy.

3. The Whites Only Omelette Festival can not survive another year of violent protests.

4. The Whites Only Omelette Festival now prohibits the use or possession of any weapons outside the essential omelette making utensils. Non-violent utilization of the following will be allowed: knives, forks, spoons, sporks, spatulas, cap-guns, and slingshots (and any other tools necessary for gourmet omelette creation).

5. The Whites Only Omelette Festival will no longer award decorative brass knuckles or engraved baseball bats as eating contest prizes.

6. The Whites Only Omelette Festival will no longer host a drunk person boxing tournament.

7. The Whites Only Omelette Festival is seeking a non-racist, well-educated, and diverse group of volunteers and sponsors. APPLY NOW!