The Fingernail Solution

Have you been searching for a less expensive and easier process for trimming your fingers and toenails?

Well, now there’s FINGERAPHOL!

Pending FDA approval, FINGERAPHOL is the ‘cutting’ edge new drug to stifle fingernail growth. Gone are the days of time consuming clipping sessions. Never again will you need to continually buy new trimmers when they break on your substantial and cosmetically offensive fingernails.

FINGERAPHOL works on your DNA, so you will no longer even have to worry about fingernails at all. If successful, your children will also be cured of fingernails without ever needing the drug! For as little as $40.99 each week, all your life’s problems will be solved. Some unfortunate side effects include:

1. Nausea

2. Oily oral discharge

3. Hair loss

4. Shoulder dislocation

5. Changes in right/left handedness

6. Loss of memory or complete motor function

7. Permanent impotence

8. Infertility

9. Headaches

MORE FINE PRINT: If side effects last longer than 3 years, consult a physician.

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The Philip and Sons Digestible Toothpick

Tired of the arduous task of throwing your used toothpicks in the proper receptacle?

TRY THE DIGESTIBLE TOOTHPICK FROM PHILIP AND SONS!

Made with special wood fibers, the Digestible Toothpick dissolves in stomach acid in less than 9 hours. After you’ve removed the pesky strawberry seed or apple peel from in between your chompers, simply swallow the toothpick whole. You will never have to worry about cluttering up your car or home with used toothpicks again. Can’t find a wastebasket or your car window won’t roll down? WHO CARES?!

A FAMILY RUN BUSINESS: Started by Philip McBones-McGee Sr. in 2011, Philip and Sons keeps operations small to insure utmost customer service. When dad died unexpectedly of ruptured stomach lining in early 2013, his boys carried the legacy onward testing and bringing digestible toothpicks to market. Today, the product line has swelled to include three FDA approval-pending flavors: Watermelon, Watermelon-Lime, and Bacon.

Available in quantities of 6000, order yours today!

THE FINE PRINT: Investors needed.

The TacoTelegram

Have you ever wanted to mail a taco? NOW YOU CAN!

Gone are the days of worrying about the complicated logistical challenges of mailing mexican food. For $7.99 plus tax and freight, we will ship one taco for you to anywhere in the mainland United States. The Taco Telegram is perfect for the following occasions:

1. When you’re hungry.

2. When someone you know is hungry.

3. When you want to mail someone a hate taco.

4. A ‘Fan Mail Taco’ to your favorite celebrity

5. When you have a Mexican restaurant and you want to show them how it’s done

6. Random taco mailings to someone you’ve never met

THE FINE PRINT: Taco Telegram only ships economy ground, in a standard 8 1/2″ x 11″ manilla envelope. Taco can be placed in plastic baggie or wrapped in foil for an additional $5 surcharge. Composition of taco not guaranteed by time of delivery. Custom ingredient orders not accepted; Taco Telegram Inc. reserves the right to assemble any ingredient combination, including but not limited to traditional mexican food taco ingredients, any and all non traditional ingredients, strawberry jam, asparagus, lemon custard, and bubble gum. Not FDA approved. Consumption of taco not recommended.