Monthly Archives: September 2014

Muppet Kung Fu Kombat Death Match

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Are your children tired of the standard educational numbers and letters video games?

Maybe it’s time for MUPPET KUNG FU KOMBAT DEATH MATCH!

A mature-themed, violent, head-to-head fighting game with youthful appeal, your 3-7 year old will love portraying their favorite Muppets in all out one-on-one kung fu matches to the death. Available on most entertainment consoles (pending a highly likely Disney approval), simplified controls and engaging graphics will make it easy for your impressionable toddler  to play.

Features include:

1. A signature finishing move, tailored to each individual character.

2. Multiple fight sites including Muppet studios, Kermit’s swamp, and an industrial warehouse.

3. Unlockable secret characters including Darth Vader, Rush Limbaugh, and Scooter.

4. “Zombie Mode”allows children to play as undead versions of Muppets.

5. Separately sold “Death Packs” include additional software containing more finishing moves.

A mobile version of the game is currently being designed for children’s iPhones, to minimize behavioral issues in waiting rooms and on public transportation. In keeping with the great tradition of positive child development and pop culture progress, this game’s innovators are convinced that the future of education relies on a healthy awareness of graphic violence and overly animated gymnastic kung fu moves.

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The NFL Player Behavior Management System

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Are your NFL players having trouble obeying the law?

Maybe it’s time you try the NFL PLAYER BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT SYSTEM!

The principle behind the NFLPBMS is simple. The subject wears a lightweight, subtle, and cosmetically complimentary facial dressing (known to industry professionals as a “mask”) 24 hours a day during the rehabilitation period. When the system detects poor behavior or other infractions, a jolt is delivered to the subject’s face akin to a kick from a small horse. Preliminary testing suggests that this action is an effective tool to send a message without causing permanent damage to facial features in 64% of cases.

A microchip on the mask will monitor the behavior and language of the subject. A treatment will be administered if the system detects:

1. Breaking the law including assault, theft, murder, driving under the influence, speeding, illegal parking, and any other infraction.

2. Foul language

3. Impolite and/or entitled behavior, particularly in restaurants or other locations where interactions with service industry professionals are likely

4. Entrance into a gun and/or knife show

5. Loud music containing explicit lyrics or violent themes

6. Enjoyment of reality shows or a televised UFC match

The NFLPBMS is also available in child sizes for misbehaving pre-teens and regular sized kickers. Also recommended for use with NFL team owners.

The All Coffee Diet

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Tired of fad diets that just don’t work?

TRY THE ALL COFFEE DIET!

The thing is, it’s NOT a fad. It’s the opposite. It’s what’s known to linguists as a daf, or the reverse of a fad. So a D-A-F, that’s a Diet Against Fatness. THIS CAN NOT FAIL WITH THAT KIND OF THINKING.

Forget the days of sweating on a treadmill and eating sensible meals. The All Coffee Diet is simple: when you feel your body telling you that it’s time for food, just drink a cup of coffee. It might seem unbelievable, but food service professionals claim there are the same amount of nutrients in six cups of coffee as there are in an entire thanksgiving dinner!

THE ROADMAP TO YOUR TARGET WEIGHT: Simply enjoy two cups of coffee for breakfast, one cup at 10:00 a.m., 4 cups at noon, 2 cups at 3:00 p.m., and 5 cups at 6:00 p.m., and 1 cup at 9:00 p.m. for best results. DO NOT drink cups larger than 22 fluid ounces.

THE FINE PRINT: The All Coffee Diet may/surely will cause loss of sleep, tremors, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, unsafe weight loss, hospitalization, and yellowing of the teeth. Do not operate motor vehicles, machinery, musical instruments, computers, or communication devices.