The All-LIDS Mall

What does every single mall-goer have?

HEADS.

And what do most of those heads not have? A HAT REPRESENTING EVERY TEAM IN EVERY PROFESSIONAL SPORT.

Well, all that is about to change. Meet the All-LIDS Mall.

Most American malls only have two LIDS locations. At the new All-LIDS Mall, you’ll get 71 LIDS locations with hats for any occasion:

  1. College Reunions
  2. Weddings
  3. Divorces

Snap back? Sure! Fitted? You got it! Indiana Jones’ fedora? Absolutely—and in every MLB team color including a logo!

NOW STOCKING TALLER HATS FOR SHORT PEOPLE!

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The NFL Bubble Bath Package

Has the NFL season snuck up you because you spent your summer too wrapped up in tennis?!

Me too. Sounds like you need to get back into NFL mode the way it’s meant to be enjoyed: IN THE BATHTUB!

Gone are the days of watching the big game in annoying bars, surrounded by your team’s obnoxious fans. You won’t have to worry about getting buffalo wing sauce on the side of your beer glass, or high-fiving someone you don’t even know over a much-needed touchdown.

Finally, the NFL Bubble Bath Package allows you watch the game the way you want to watch it, without guacamole, big screen TVs, or your favorite player’s jersey. The NFLBBP includes:

1. Suds scented with your choice of “Floral Dream,” “Desert Roses,” or “Bud Light”

2. Battery operated antenna TV with spacious 8 inch X 6 inch screen (prevents electric shock in case of submersion, 10 D Batteries not included)

3. Wine glass with your team’s logo

4. Can of Cheetos

5. Toy battleship

Order now, and for a limited time receive a bonus “Thank You” gift: a 3 month subscription to Home and Gardens. Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson lookalike Jacob Sappenfield says “The NFL Bubble Bath Package is the way I start my day! I never even shower anymore!”

CALL NOW!

JASON-BALL

Are you tired of all the traditional sports- football, baseball, basketball, etc.?

Maybe you should give “JASON-BALL” a shot!

Created by current JASON-BALL commissioner and University of Akron sophmore Jason B. Schnitzelstein, JASON-BALL features all the excitement of a full contact sport and the complexity of a strategic wits vs. knowledge competition. “We’re very proud of JASON-BALL,” Schnitzelstein boasts as he takes a swig of canned beer. “It’s pretty well thought out. I don’t just make it up as we go along or anything,” he adds without prompting.

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: “So you start with this ball, right?” Schnitzelstein explains between pauses. “And you throw it. If it lands near that lamp, you drink, right? Then I throw the next ball, but if I’m closer then I drink.”

A LOW-COST SPORT FOR THE MASSES: “If you want to be a spectator at a JASON-BALL match, we charge $10 at the door and BYOB. It’s a great business idea, because the ball is the only cost. But, we use a ball that went with a nerf basketball set that I brought from when I was a kid, so we have no costs,” Schitzelstein explains. “Inexpensive for the fans, and pure margin for us.”

At the time of this post, Schnitzelstein was considering dropping out of business school to pursue JASON-BALL full time.