The Repurposed Human Hand Backscratcher

Aren’t you tired of finding the perfect back scratcher? They’re so expensive and confusing. What should I pick? One with a tiny hand on the end of a stick or one with a tiny little rake on a stick?

WORRY NO MORE!

We know nothing beats the feel of real fingernails on your back—especially when another person is scratching that hard-to-reach spot. That’s why we invented the REPURPOSED HUMAN HAND BACKSCRATCHER.

Tens of thousands of people donate their bodies to science each year, but the limbs from the elbows down often go to waste. We salvage these vital body parts and put them through a rigorous preservation procedure:

  1. File/sharpen the nails
  2. Whole limb dipped in wood varnish
  3. Put on a stick

The next thing you know, your itches are being scratched by a real human any time you want.

THE FINE PRINT: No suitable for children under eight, some customers complained of an unfavorable smell, no returns, gift cards available.

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Shoe Stretcher 5000

Are your shoes too small? Do you get uncomfortable toe cramps?

CRAMP YOUR TOES NO MORE.

The Shoe Stretcher 5000 will save you the painstaking time and effort that comes with shopping for new shoes. Act now to take advantage of the sale price of $99.99, monthly for 6 years!

Simply place the latex-free polysynthetic hybrid leather/naugahyde balloon into the shoe cavity. Adjust the mouthpiece to fit your mouth hole size (all mouth hole sizes accommodated with the 27-piece mouth hole blower nozzle kit available for an extra $69.99). Inflate the latex-free polysynthetic hybrid leather/naugahyde balloon with your lung power over a brief 4-6 hour period.

Let sit for 3 months, and voila! Your shoes will be one quarter women’s size larger!

Elongating your shoes has never been easier!

Call today to get a free Matchbox Twenty Live in Denver CD with your order!

Write Your Own Novel Kit 5000

Do you have insights and social commentary to share, but no one ever asks your opinion?!

Well you’re in luck! Order the WRITE YOUR OWN NOVEL KIT 5000 today!

For a low payment of $89.99—weekly for next three years—you too could be a conduit for pop culture and the American subconscious. You’ll learn the writer’s process in 3 simple steps:

 

  • Start writing
  • Rewrite
  • Second guess your ability and let that doubt creep into all other aspects of your life, driving you into a deep over-analysis and worry about every choice you made

 

Get started getting stuck on one sentence for 35 minutes today! You’ll be drunk-writing 10 pages that will sound like nonsense when you’re sober in no time!

ORDER NOW to enjoy a life of solitude, only showering after accidentally smelling yourself when you reach for booze on the top of the refrigerator.