The Baby Relaxer 5000

Is your baby screaming out of control?


Using technology created by NASA engineers, the Baby Relaxer 5000 effectively calms 9 out of 10 angry and hateful babies. HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: Using the Flex-B-Strong straps, attach baby to the torso of large adult male. Without sitting down, the male must softly hum along with the provided 49-track, 2.5 hour baby-soothing CD. Wearing the patent-pending purple satin baby-patting gloves, the male must continually and gently stroke the baby into submission. Slow pacing, rocking, or light bouncing is recommended but not guaranteed in terms of successful taming of evil baby temper. If method proves ineffective after one cycle, repeat as many times as necessary.

The female partner may use this time to commiserate with friends, shop, sleep, or drink the included Mama Relaxer 5000 bottle of wine.


THE FINE PRINT: 9 out of 10 tested babies responded well in trials; the 1 unsuccessful case study was Ryan. He’s this inconsolably self-centered 9 year old from down the block who got all indignant about the product and testing process itself. Adult male test subject was equally uncooperative with Ryan affixed to his chest. Needless to say, that specific trial run was a total waste of a perfectly good Saturday afternoon.



The Online Medical Doctorate

Are you tired of being Mr. Nobody? Well, how does DR. NOBODY sound?!

Here at the College of Online Medical Arts, or COMA, we believe changing the world takes one simple tool at a time. That’s where you come in. In as little as 8 weeks, you could have your Medical Doctorate with concentrations available in:

1. Brain Surgery

2. Gynecology

3. Biological Parent Matching

4. Prescription Creation

5. Medicinal Weed

6. Podiatry/Pediatrics

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: The program at COMA affords working professionals and stay-at-home moms alike the opportunity to get their MD in their spare time. With just two short 6 hour online classes per day, you’ll be qualified to put on your scrubs and give the gift of life via heart transplants and/or wisdom teeth removals. The best part? It’s affordable. Our 60 credit program is only $1700 per credit hour. In simpler terms, that’s a cup of coffee in Tokyo.

THE FINE PRINT: COMA is not responsible for any medical procedures completed before, during, or after the program. Tuition non-refundable. Valid only in the state of California, Maine, and Mexico. The operation of medical equipment and machinery, dispensation of medicine, and/or dispensation of medical advice not recommended when under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.

Owl-Away Home Protection System

Having trouble finding a humane solution to your owl infestation?


With this revolutionary new home protection system, you will no longer need to waste your shotgun ammunition creating owl carcasses. Based on a scientifically unproven theory, Owl-Away has shown impressive owl eradication results during trial runs at the corporate headquarter testing facility in Antarctica.


HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: Owls are lured into a wooden box known to avian control professionals as a “birdhouse”. As bait, a deceased animal (minimum weight: 8lbs.) is placed inside the wooden box. Once closed, a series of images including rainbows, flowers, and sunsets are shown to the owl. After 8 months of exposure to these images, the newly domesticated and less murderously inclined owl will once again be set free into your yard.

Without its naturally violent tendencies, the owl will be more likely to succumb to relocation efforts.

THE FINE PRINT: Animal carcass not included. 30 day limited warranty. O-AHPS Inc. does not recommend approaching wild owls before or after domestication process. After Owl-Away, relocation or care for the owl is the responsibility of the customer.