The Wildlife Leadership Investment

Is your urban wildlife population dwindling in greatness? More specifically, are the bears in your midwestern metropolis not what they used to be?


According to the civic organization “Scientists Without Any Formal Education”, teams of grizzlies generally look to a leader when locked in a territory war with other packs. The WILDLIFE LEADERSHIP INVESTMENT is an initiative to incentivize the alpha Bear to reach for success.

With the hunting season drawing to a close, the following recommendations are presented for the success of the organization of Bears in Chicago:

1. Pander to the alpha Bear, despite performance of duties

2. Over compensate the beast, blindly believing his behavior will change

3. Assume without evidence that the alpha bear has leadership capabilities comparable to an alpha bronco, an alpha seahawk, or even the young alpha colt.

4. Never apologize for the lackluster competitive spirit of the alpha bear, or the apathetic facial expression it makes when huddle in the Chicago cold, watching his herd battle.

5. Allow the city that once was the natural habit to the largest and most ferocious alpha bull to descend into further mediocrity at the hands of the alpha Bear.

If these steps are followed, the alpha Bear will surely lead the herd to competitive success for a decade to come. We think. Probably.


The NFL Player Behavior Management System

Are your NFL players having trouble obeying the law?


The principle behind the NFLPBMS is simple. The subject wears a lightweight, subtle, and cosmetically complimentary facial dressing (known to industry professionals as a “mask”) 24 hours a day during the rehabilitation period. When the system detects poor behavior or other infractions, a jolt is delivered to the subject’s face akin to a kick from a small horse. Preliminary testing suggests that this action is an effective tool to send a message without causing permanent damage to facial features in 64% of cases.

A microchip on the mask will monitor the behavior and language of the subject. A treatment will be administered if the system detects:

1. Breaking the law including assault, theft, murder, driving under the influence, speeding, illegal parking, and any other infraction.

2. Foul language

3. Impolite and/or entitled behavior, particularly in restaurants or other locations where interactions with service industry professionals are likely

4. Entrance into a gun and/or knife show

5. Loud music containing explicit lyrics or violent themes

6. Enjoyment of reality shows or a televised UFC match

The NFLPBMS is also available in child sizes for misbehaving pre-teens and regular sized kickers. Also recommended for use with NFL team owners.

The NFL Bubble Bath Package

Has the NFL season snuck up you because you spent your summer too wrapped up in tennis?!

Me too. Sounds like you need to get back into NFL mode the way it’s meant to be enjoyed: IN THE BATHTUB!

Gone are the days of watching the big game in annoying bars, surrounded by your team’s obnoxious fans. You won’t have to worry about getting buffalo wing sauce on the side of your beer glass, or high-fiving someone you don’t even know over a much-needed touchdown.

Finally, the NFL Bubble Bath Package allows you watch the game the way you want to watch it, without guacamole, big screen TVs, or your favorite player’s jersey. The NFLBBP includes:

1. Suds scented with your choice of “Floral Dream,” “Desert Roses,” or “Bud Light”

2. Battery operated antenna TV with spacious 8 inch X 6 inch screen (prevents electric shock in case of submersion, 10 D Batteries not included)

3. Wine glass with your team’s logo

4. Can of Cheetos

5. Toy battleship

Order now, and for a limited time receive a bonus “Thank You” gift: a 3 month subscription to Home and Gardens. Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson lookalike Jacob Sappenfield says “The NFL Bubble Bath Package is the way I start my day! I never even shower anymore!”