Do you have questions, but you can’t seem to find the right answers? Do your friends always chit chat about topics that go over your head?
Well, answers and interesting facts don’t have to be as ungraspable as the smells of spilled gasoline on the garage floor from when you tilted the mower to clean the blades and you accidentally left the fuel cap off and your wife got mad.
Knowitol, the new over-the-counter, 9-times daily tablet for the wildly uninteresting and uninformed might be right for you!
Benefits of Knowitol include:
Sudden and unearned assurance that you’re right
Blind belief in unchecked facts
Increased confidence in your opinions
Increased enthusiasm during casual debates
Slurring of speech
Ask your doctor about Knowitol today!
THE FINE PRINT: Knowitol may cause dehydration, alienation of loved ones, excessive blinking, and early divorce. Women wishing to get pregnant should consult a high school health teacher for more information. Offer void in Maine.
Are you tired of being Mr. Nobody? Well, how does DR. NOBODY sound?!
Here at the College of Online Medical Arts, or COMA, we believe changing the world takes one simple tool at a time. That’s where you come in. In as little as 8 weeks, you could have your Medical Doctorate with concentrations available in:
1. Brain Surgery
3. Biological Parent Matching
4. Prescription Creation
5. Medicinal Weed
HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: The program at COMA affords working professionals and stay-at-home moms alike the opportunity to get their MD in their spare time. With just two short 6 hour online classes per day, you’ll be qualified to put on your scrubs and give the gift of life via heart transplants and/or wisdom teeth removals. The best part? It’s affordable. Our 60 credit program is only $1700 per credit hour. In simpler terms, that’s a cup of coffee in Tokyo.
THE FINE PRINT: COMA is not responsible for any medical procedures completed before, during, or after the program. Tuition non-refundable. Valid only in the state of California, Maine, and Mexico. The operation of medical equipment and machinery, dispensation of medicine, and/or dispensation of medical advice not recommended when under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.
Are your patients not being treated to the best views of the city while being airlifted to the hospital?
WELL TODAY’S THEIR LUCKY DAY!
The next time your patient is screaming as they stare at their compound fracture because they have nothing else to look at, remind them to look through the floor of our revolutionary glass-bottomed medical helicopter. They will be awed by heart-stopping views of the city as you stabilize their vitals and prepare them for the necessary world-class medical attention awaiting them at their destination.
But wait! What if the patient is afraid of heights?
Fear not. Being a fully equipped medical emergency vehicle, you will have all the tools that you need to sedate the patient and take in the view from above in peace.
THE FINE PRINT: The Glass Bottomed Medical Helicopter should not surpass speeds greater than 48 mph. Weight rating H (sustain up to 305lbs. of human passengers, pilot included). GBMH Inc. is not responsible for medical treatment on board aircraft or overall patient safety. Visit our beautiful showroom off I-69 in Fortville, Indiana.