Knowitol: The New Drug for People Who Know Nothing

Do you have questions, but you can’t seem to find the right answers? Do your friends always chit chat about topics that go over your head?

Well, answers and interesting facts don’t have to be as ungraspable as the smells of spilled gasoline on the garage floor from when you tilted the mower to clean the blades and you accidentally left the fuel cap off and your wife got mad.

Knowitol, the new over-the-counter, 9-times daily tablet for the wildly uninteresting and uninformed might be right for you!

Benefits of Knowitol include:

  • Sudden and unearned assurance that you’re right
  • Blind belief in unchecked facts
  • Increased confidence in your opinions
  • Increased enthusiasm during casual debates
  • Slurring of speech

Ask your doctor about Knowitol today!

THE FINE PRINT: Knowitol may cause dehydration, alienation of loved ones, excessive blinking, and early divorce. Women wishing to get pregnant should consult a high school health teacher for more information. Offer void in Maine.

 

The Repurposed Human Hand Backscratcher

Aren’t you tired of finding the perfect back scratcher? They’re so expensive and confusing. What should I pick? One with a tiny hand on the end of a stick or one with a tiny little rake on a stick?

WORRY NO MORE!

We know nothing beats the feel of real fingernails on your back—especially when another person is scratching that hard-to-reach spot. That’s why we invented the REPURPOSED HUMAN HAND BACKSCRATCHER.

Tens of thousands of people donate their bodies to science each year, but the limbs from the elbows down often go to waste. We salvage these vital body parts and put them through a rigorous preservation procedure:

  1. File/sharpen the nails
  2. Whole limb dipped in wood varnish
  3. Put on a stick

The next thing you know, your itches are being scratched by a real human any time you want.

THE FINE PRINT: No suitable for children under eight, some customers complained of an unfavorable smell, no returns, gift cards available.

The All-Soda Bartending Service

Need an experienced bartender for your next event who can mix a mean soda?

IT’S THE ALL-SODA BARTENDING SERVICE!

Let us supply the staff that fuels all the soda pop-related passions of your guests. Our trained professionals take soda mixing well past the under thought (yet extremely popular) suicide, the drink that mixes all available soda choices into one glass.

Our ‘Sodalogists’ can create anything from a Dr. Summertime (that’s Dr. Pepper and Lemonade) to a “Twist on a Classic” (that’s Coca Cola and lemon juice with a dash of crushed red pepper) to a “Moo Moo Mocha Mello” (that’s milk and Mello Yello garnished with an entire Hershey’s chocolate bar). Any one of our concoctions can turn your party inside out faster than Gangnam Style and the Macarena being played simultaneously. The All-Soda Bartending Service is perfect for:

1. Children’s parties where the kids aren’t excited enough

2. Bar or Bat Mitzvahs where the kids won’t dance with each other

3. Basically anytime there are kids who need to be rowdy and aren’t

4. College parties that run out of booze money

5. Retirement parties (as long as no one has a heart condition)

The ASBS also offers a 30-week training school, where you or an unemployed person you know can learn the fine art of soda mixing. For less than you can buy a mid-sized SUV, you could become a certified Sodalogist, complete with your training certificate and complimentary ASBS pen and lanyard. Apply today, and let’s change the world one “7 Babies on a Bender” at a time! (that’s 7UP, baby formula, Tabasco Sauce, and maple syrup).