The Living Toy Trap

Do you suspect your action figures come to life at night? Do you dream that they walk around your house and watch you sleep? When you wake, are they in a different place than you left them the night before?

Fear not! Introducing the LIVING TOY TRAP!

You won’t need to worry anymore about a tiny version of Luke Skywalker jamming grapes in your mouth as you sleep. The LIVING TOY TRAP lures action figures, dolls, figurines, and statuettes away from you! Using a 78% effective toy food—a unique blend of nutmeg, ketchup, carrots, and vodka—the LIVING TOY TRAP seals the pests in a discreet, 10 foot by 10 foot cage in your living room made of equal parts temporary construction fencing and electrified chicken wire.

Once trapped, you have the flexibility to eliminate the living toys any way you choose:

  • With a hammer
  • With a gun
  • With fire

Act now and save $100 off the starting price of $10,100!

THE FINE PRINT: Some assembly required. Single use only. When eliminating living toys, don’t throw them in a canyon. They may survive and climb out. Offer void in Maine.

Knowitol: The New Drug for People Who Know Nothing

Do you have questions, but you can’t seem to find the right answers? Do your friends always chit chat about topics that go over your head?

Well, answers and interesting facts don’t have to be as ungraspable as the smells of spilled gasoline on the garage floor from when you tilted the mower to clean the blades and you accidentally left the fuel cap off and your wife got mad.

Knowitol, the new over-the-counter, 9-times daily tablet for the wildly uninteresting and uninformed might be right for you!

Benefits of Knowitol include:

  • Sudden and unearned assurance that you’re right
  • Blind belief in unchecked facts
  • Increased confidence in your opinions
  • Increased enthusiasm during casual debates
  • Slurring of speech

Ask your doctor about Knowitol today!

THE FINE PRINT: Knowitol may cause dehydration, alienation of loved ones, excessive blinking, and early divorce. Women wishing to get pregnant should consult a high school health teacher for more information. Offer void in Maine.

 

The Repurposed Human Hand Backscratcher

Aren’t you tired of finding the perfect back scratcher? They’re so expensive and confusing. What should I pick? One with a tiny hand on the end of a stick or one with a tiny little rake on a stick?

WORRY NO MORE!

We know nothing beats the feel of real fingernails on your back—especially when another person is scratching that hard-to-reach spot. That’s why we invented the REPURPOSED HUMAN HAND BACKSCRATCHER.

Tens of thousands of people donate their bodies to science each year, but the limbs from the elbows down often go to waste. We salvage these vital body parts and put them through a rigorous preservation procedure:

  1. File/sharpen the nails
  2. Whole limb dipped in wood varnish
  3. Put on a stick

The next thing you know, your itches are being scratched by a real human any time you want.

THE FINE PRINT: No suitable for children under eight, some customers complained of an unfavorable smell, no returns, gift cards available.