Hemoween 5000

Are you tired of the time consuming candy-eating process?

Sounds like you should try our HEMOWEEN 5000!

Don’t worry about wasting time with wrappers. Forget those nagging parents telling you to “slow down” or “seriously, beware of your deadly chocolate allergy!” From here on out, you will be able to enjoy your Halloween treats at your own pace: super fast.

The HEMOWEEN 5000 condenses candy into a mixture with a saline based solution and delivers the goods intravenously. You’ll experience that adrenaline high without the hassle that comes along with taste. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL. Since you’re receiving the candy straight to your blood stream, it lasts longer than candy taken orally.*

*claim unverified

Set up is easy. Simply load your candy (wrappers included) into the 5000, throw the ‘process’ switch, and ride that delicious pony into November.

THE FINE PRINT: Effects can last much longer than just November. Store in a sterile environment, and thoroughly clean after every single use. Sharing is not recommended. ALSO: When you crash, you crash hard. Some test cases still hospitalized. The HEMOWEEN 5000 should not be used without supervision of an older, already addicted sibling.

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The “How to Appear in a World Series” Handbook

Does your team lack experience at competing in baseball’s world series? Have none of your players been alive to see their club compete at the highest level?

Sounds like you need the “How to Appear in a World Series” Handbook!

It’s your step-by-step guide to baseball’s biggest show! Teams that go into the World Series unprepared are statistically proven to lose, like, 42% of the time. With our no-fail handbook, you too can be an expert- even if you have no one on your team that the rest of the country would recognize as ‘good at baseball’! Our handbook will explain crucial details such as:

1. Try to win 4 games. That’s how many you need to get a trophy!

2. You will be on TV and your name will be in the paper. Relatives you never hear from may start calling.

3. A game losing error will live with you for the rest of your life.

4. Try not to place a wager on the outcome, take a steroid, use a corked bat, or text a hot reporter a picture of any part of your body.

Congratulations! You’ve been given a once in a lifetime opportunity, unless you go on to play for the Yankees or Cardinals.

The Fingernail Solution

Have you been searching for a less expensive and easier process for trimming your fingers and toenails?

Well, now there’s FINGERAPHOL!

Pending FDA approval, FINGERAPHOL is the ‘cutting’ edge new drug to stifle fingernail growth. Gone are the days of time consuming clipping sessions. Never again will you need to continually buy new trimmers when they break on your substantial and cosmetically offensive fingernails.

FINGERAPHOL works on your DNA, so you will no longer even have to worry about fingernails at all. If successful, your children will also be cured of fingernails without ever needing the drug! For as little as $40.99 each week, all your life’s problems will be solved. Some unfortunate side effects include:

1. Nausea

2. Oily oral discharge

3. Hair loss

4. Shoulder dislocation

5. Changes in right/left handedness

6. Loss of memory or complete motor function

7. Permanent impotence

8. Infertility

9. Headaches

MORE FINE PRINT: If side effects last longer than 3 years, consult a physician.