Knowitol: The New Drug for People Who Know Nothing

Do you have questions, but you can’t seem to find the right answers? Do your friends always chit chat about topics that go over your head?

Well, answers and interesting facts don’t have to be as ungraspable as the smells of spilled gasoline on the garage floor from when you tilted the mower to clean the blades and you accidentally left the fuel cap off and your wife got mad.

Knowitol, the new over-the-counter, 9-times daily tablet for the wildly uninteresting and uninformed might be right for you!

Benefits of Knowitol include:

  • Sudden and unearned assurance that you’re right
  • Blind belief in unchecked facts
  • Increased confidence in your opinions
  • Increased enthusiasm during casual debates
  • Slurring of speech

Ask your doctor about Knowitol today!

THE FINE PRINT: Knowitol may cause dehydration, alienation of loved ones, excessive blinking, and early divorce. Women wishing to get pregnant should consult a high school health teacher for more information. Offer void in Maine.


The Repurposed Human Hand Backscratcher

Aren’t you tired of finding the perfect back scratcher? They’re so expensive and confusing. What should I pick? One with a tiny hand on the end of a stick or one with a tiny little rake on a stick?


We know nothing beats the feel of real fingernails on your back—especially when another person is scratching that hard-to-reach spot. That’s why we invented the REPURPOSED HUMAN HAND BACKSCRATCHER.

Tens of thousands of people donate their bodies to science each year, but the limbs from the elbows down often go to waste. We salvage these vital body parts and put them through a rigorous preservation procedure:

  1. File/sharpen the nails
  2. Whole limb dipped in wood varnish
  3. Put on a stick

The next thing you know, your itches are being scratched by a real human any time you want.

THE FINE PRINT: No suitable for children under eight, some customers complained of an unfavorable smell, no returns, gift cards available.

The Online Medical Doctorate

Are you tired of being Mr. Nobody? Well, how does DR. NOBODY sound?!

Here at the College of Online Medical Arts, or COMA, we believe changing the world takes one simple tool at a time. That’s where you come in. In as little as 8 weeks, you could have your Medical Doctorate with concentrations available in:

1. Brain Surgery

2. Gynecology

3. Biological Parent Matching

4. Prescription Creation

5. Medicinal Weed

6. Podiatry/Pediatrics

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: The program at COMA affords working professionals and stay-at-home moms alike the opportunity to get their MD in their spare time. With just two short 6 hour online classes per day, you’ll be qualified to put on your scrubs and give the gift of life via heart transplants and/or wisdom teeth removals. The best part? It’s affordable. Our 60 credit program is only $1700 per credit hour. In simpler terms, that’s a cup of coffee in Tokyo.

THE FINE PRINT: COMA is not responsible for any medical procedures completed before, during, or after the program. Tuition non-refundable. Valid only in the state of California, Maine, and Mexico. The operation of medical equipment and machinery, dispensation of medicine, and/or dispensation of medical advice not recommended when under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.