Diesel Blanket 3000

As temperatures slowly drop this fall, do you wish you had an electric blanket to warm your bed?

Well forget that! A new, more powerful technology is available! It’s the GASOLINE-POWERED, HEATED “DIESEL BLANKET 3000!”

That’s right. Dream your nights away beneath the blanket that the Fireman’s Association of the Pacific Northwest ironically called “a total nightmare.” Gently fall asleep to the odiferous exhaust fumes and subtle 91-decibel purr of this gas-powered generator.

According to Sharon, of Lake Winnepacky, MN, “I sweated so much, I can drink a whole bottle of vodka and almost not feel it!”

And James from West Grizzly Pass, Alberta says, “If I had known about this blanket when I was still married, my ex-wife and I wouldn’t have had to burn down our own house on purpose just to hide the money laundering pyramid scheme I was running out of the basement! The house might have just burned down on it’s own and I wouldn’t have gone to jail. Hell, I probably could have sued the company and claimed the insurance money… Not owning this blanket is basically my biggest regret in life!”

You’ll never need to wear a full sweatsuit to bed again! This blanket is perfect as:

  1. A gift!
  2. To keep!

CALL NOW and receive a free Lyft ride to the gas station for your first tank of gasoline!


The Hot Tub Tube

This single-use personal hot tub uses non-patented cutting edge technology to give you the best solo hot tubbing experience you’ve ever had! With our specially designed “Step-In and Relax” ring and semi-watertight plastic liner, this isn’t just your run-of-the-mill trash bag attached to a hula hoop. Simply step into the tub, raise the ring, add hot water, and suddenly your worries are melting away!



1. When you want to be in a hot tub and there is no hot tub around

2. When the hot tub at the hotel is full of people

3. Layovers

4. Waiting for the waiter to come back with what you actually ordered

5. Long lines at the zoo



1. A relaxing sack race

2. When you’re the goalie and the opposing team never gets the ball near your goal


THE FINE PRINT: Hot water not included. The Personal Hot Tub Tube is biodegradable and guaranteed to disintegrate in under 10,000 years. Not recommended if you are pregnant, on medication, feverish, or are currently experiencing perfect health. The Hot Tub Tube Accessory Pack featuring the “Blow your own jet bubbles straw” and flotation vest sold separately for three easy payments of $849.99.