Category Archives: Uncategorized

The Geyser 500 Shower Head

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Are you annoyed that your shower head is suspended from above and doesn’t spray a single, firehose-like jet from the ground up? Don’t you hate it when the shower just feels like hot rain?

Introducing THE GEYSER 500 SHOWER HEAD!

The Geyser 500 is the world’s first shower head to spray water from the ground up—the way mother nature intended. With a single jet of 500 psi, every drop of sweat, every germ, dust bunny, moth carcass, or remnants of tar or feather will be soothingly ripped from your body in the first moments of your bathing experience.

A black-marker sketch on a paper towel of a shower stall.

The Geyser 500 in action (engineer sketch).

Features include:

  • Temperature control
  • On/off nozzle

For just 4 easy payments of $59.99 (and a 5th payment of $3,499 plus sales tax, VAT, packaging fees, shipping, installment, and maintenance), you could be enjoying your new bathing experience in style!

THE FINE PRINT: The Geyser 500 is not responsible for injury to undercarriage, damage to bathroom ceiling, or flooding repair. Offer void in Maine.

 

The All-LIDS Mall

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What does every single mall-goer have?

HEADS.

And what do most of those heads not have? A HAT REPRESENTING EVERY TEAM IN EVERY PROFESSIONAL SPORT.

Well, all that is about to change. Meet the All-LIDS Mall.

Most American malls only have two LIDS locations. At the new All-LIDS Mall, you’ll get 71 LIDS locations with hats for any occasion:

  1. College Reunions
  2. Weddings
  3. Divorces

Snap back? Sure! Fitted? You got it! Indiana Jones’ fedora? Absolutely—and in every MLB team color including a logo!

NOW STOCKING TALLER HATS FOR SHORT PEOPLE!

Write Your Own Novel Kit 5000

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Do you have insights and social commentary to share, but no one ever asks your opinion?!

Well you’re in luck! Order the WRITE YOUR OWN NOVEL KIT 5000 today!

For a low payment of $89.99—weekly for next three years—you too could be a conduit for pop culture and the American subconscious. You’ll learn the writer’s process in 3 simple steps:

 

  • Start writing
  • Rewrite
  • Second guess your ability and let that doubt creep into all other aspects of your life, driving you into a deep over-analysis and worry about every choice you made

 

Get started getting stuck on one sentence for 35 minutes today! You’ll be drunk-writing 10 pages that will sound like nonsense when you’re sober in no time!

ORDER NOW to enjoy a life of solitude, only showering after accidentally smelling yourself when you reach for booze on the top of the refrigerator.