WBITE Cinncinati

FINALLY.

You’ll never have to sit through another sporting event without seeing players bite one another again!

Tune into WBITE Cincinnati, where biting is legal in every sport, and the city was chosen because it rhymed with the call sign.

Join celebrity commentators Mike Tyson and international soccer star/renowned biter Luis Suarez as they attempt to call each game/event/match while fending off toothy attacks from each other.

You’ll get 24-hour coverage of the following sporting events, all made infinitely better by unexpected biting:

  1. Baseball
  2. Golf
  3. Synchronized swimming
  4. Billiards
  5. Curling

Tired of NOT seeing a tennis player reach over the net and lock his or her opponent in an embrace with intent to bite the collarbone? Sick of never seeing a confident bowler celebrate a strike just before his opponent appears from nowhere and bites his hand? Don’t you hate not witnessing an olympian get bit as he or she lies on the mat helplessly, having just completed a glorious pole vault?

It’s all legal on WBITE Cincinnati! Tune in today, and leave the mouth guards at home!

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The All-LIDS Mall

What does every single mall-goer have?

HEADS.

And what do most of those heads not have? A HAT REPRESENTING EVERY TEAM IN EVERY PROFESSIONAL SPORT.

Well, all that is about to change. Meet the All-LIDS Mall.

Most American malls only have two LIDS locations. At the new All-LIDS Mall, you’ll get 71 LIDS locations with hats for any occasion:

  1. College Reunions
  2. Weddings
  3. Divorces

Snap back? Sure! Fitted? You got it! Indiana Jones’ fedora? Absolutely—and in every MLB team color including a logo!

NOW STOCKING TALLER HATS FOR SHORT PEOPLE!

The “How to Appear in a World Series” Handbook

Does your team lack experience at competing in baseball’s world series? Have none of your players been alive to see their club compete at the highest level?

Sounds like you need the “How to Appear in a World Series” Handbook!

It’s your step-by-step guide to baseball’s biggest show! Teams that go into the World Series unprepared are statistically proven to lose, like, 42% of the time. With our no-fail handbook, you too can be an expert- even if you have no one on your team that the rest of the country would recognize as ‘good at baseball’! Our handbook will explain crucial details such as:

1. Try to win 4 games. That’s how many you need to get a trophy!

2. You will be on TV and your name will be in the paper. Relatives you never hear from may start calling.

3. A game losing error will live with you for the rest of your life.

4. Try not to place a wager on the outcome, take a steroid, use a corked bat, or text a hot reporter a picture of any part of your body.

Congratulations! You’ve been given a once in a lifetime opportunity, unless you go on to play for the Yankees or Cardinals.