Tag Archives: violence

The NFL Player Behavior Management System

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Are your NFL players having trouble obeying the law?

Maybe it’s time you try the NFL PLAYER BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT SYSTEM!

The principle behind the NFLPBMS is simple. The subject wears a lightweight, subtle, and cosmetically complimentary facial dressing (known to industry professionals as a “mask”) 24 hours a day during the rehabilitation period. When the system detects poor behavior or other infractions, a jolt is delivered to the subject’s face akin to a kick from a small horse. Preliminary testing suggests that this action is an effective tool to send a message without causing permanent damage to facial features in 64% of cases.

A microchip on the mask will monitor the behavior and language of the subject. A treatment will be administered if the system detects:

1. Breaking the law including assault, theft, murder, driving under the influence, speeding, illegal parking, and any other infraction.

2. Foul language

3. Impolite and/or entitled behavior, particularly in restaurants or other locations where interactions with service industry professionals are likely

4. Entrance into a gun and/or knife show

5. Loud music containing explicit lyrics or violent themes

6. Enjoyment of reality shows or a televised UFC match

The NFLPBMS is also available in child sizes for misbehaving pre-teens and regular sized kickers. Also recommended for use with NFL team owners.

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Mustang Mary’s Mares and Mustangs

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Is your life spinning helplessly out of control?

Sounds like you need A NEW PET!

Here at Mustang Mary’s Mares and Mustangs, we specialize in providing “Colt Companions” to individuals who suffer from anxiety, nervousness, or violent mood swings. Clinical trials have proven that pets have a calming effect on their caregivers, and our non-profit believes an ungelded and/or unbroken young male horse will be just the answer for someone who can’t afford the expensive upkeep of a kitten or bunny.

MUSTANG MARY CARES: MMMM Inc. is proud to be a sponsor of the Richard Keith’s Health and Wellness Rehabilitation Center, outside New Dessert, AZ. This popular hideaway has seen a sharp acceleration in patient rehabilitation since our involvement. One success story tells the tale of a young, wealthy Hollywood starlet who checked out one day after being assigned to one of our youthful steeds. Although she had 16 days of treatment left, she insisted that the animal played a large part in her decision to speed up her program.

THE FINE PRINT: MMMM Inc. is not responsible for broken or otherwise damaged personal property to the interior or exterior of your home. MMMM Inc. is also not liable for any bodily harm or physical injury that may be a result from interaction with untamed, unpredictable, downright crazy, and often violent animals. CALL TODAY.