The Living Toy Trap

Do you suspect your action figures come to life at night? Do you dream that they walk around your house and watch you sleep? When you wake, are they in a different place than you left them the night before?

Fear not! Introducing the LIVING TOY TRAP!

You won’t need to worry anymore about a tiny version of Luke Skywalker jamming grapes in your mouth as you sleep. The LIVING TOY TRAP lures action figures, dolls, figurines, and statuettes away from you! Using a 78% effective toy food—a unique blend of nutmeg, ketchup, carrots, and vodka—the LIVING TOY TRAP seals the pests in a discreet, 10 foot by 10 foot cage in your living room made of equal parts temporary construction fencing and electrified chicken wire.

Once trapped, you have the flexibility to eliminate the living toys any way you choose:

  • With a hammer
  • With a gun
  • With fire

Act now and save $100 off the starting price of $10,100!

THE FINE PRINT: Some assembly required. Single use only. When eliminating living toys, don’t throw them in a canyon. They may survive and climb out. Offer void in Maine.

Owl-Away Home Protection System

Having trouble finding a humane solution to your owl infestation?

SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED OWL-AWAY!

With this revolutionary new home protection system, you will no longer need to waste your shotgun ammunition creating owl carcasses. Based on a scientifically unproven theory, Owl-Away has shown impressive owl eradication results during trial runs at the corporate headquarter testing facility in Antarctica.

 

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: Owls are lured into a wooden box known to avian control professionals as a “birdhouse”. As bait, a deceased animal (minimum weight: 8lbs.) is placed inside the wooden box. Once closed, a series of images including rainbows, flowers, and sunsets are shown to the owl. After 8 months of exposure to these images, the newly domesticated and less murderously inclined owl will once again be set free into your yard.

Without its naturally violent tendencies, the owl will be more likely to succumb to relocation efforts.

THE FINE PRINT: Animal carcass not included. 30 day limited warranty. O-AHPS Inc. does not recommend approaching wild owls before or after domestication process. After Owl-Away, relocation or care for the owl is the responsibility of the customer.