The Living Toy Trap

Do you suspect your action figures come to life at night? Do you dream that they walk around your house and watch you sleep? When you wake, are they in a different place than you left them the night before?

Fear not! Introducing the LIVING TOY TRAP!

You won’t need to worry anymore about a tiny version of Luke Skywalker jamming grapes in your mouth as you sleep. The LIVING TOY TRAP lures action figures, dolls, figurines, and statuettes away from you! Using a 78% effective toy food—a unique blend of nutmeg, ketchup, carrots, and vodka—the LIVING TOY TRAP seals the pests in a discreet, 10 foot by 10 foot cage in your living room made of equal parts temporary construction fencing and electrified chicken wire.

Once trapped, you have the flexibility to eliminate the living toys any way you choose:

  • With a hammer
  • With a gun
  • With fire

Act now and save $100 off the starting price of $10,100!

THE FINE PRINT: Some assembly required. Single use only. When eliminating living toys, don’t throw them in a canyon. They may survive and climb out. Offer void in Maine.

Knowitol: The New Drug for People Who Know Nothing

Do you have questions, but you can’t seem to find the right answers? Do your friends always chit chat about topics that go over your head?

Well, answers and interesting facts don’t have to be as ungraspable as the smells of spilled gasoline on the garage floor from when you tilted the mower to clean the blades and you accidentally left the fuel cap off and your wife got mad.

Knowitol, the new over-the-counter, 9-times daily tablet for the wildly uninteresting and uninformed might be right for you!

Benefits of Knowitol include:

  • Sudden and unearned assurance that you’re right
  • Blind belief in unchecked facts
  • Increased confidence in your opinions
  • Increased enthusiasm during casual debates
  • Slurring of speech

Ask your doctor about Knowitol today!

THE FINE PRINT: Knowitol may cause dehydration, alienation of loved ones, excessive blinking, and early divorce. Women wishing to get pregnant should consult a high school health teacher for more information. Offer void in Maine.

 

Diesel Blanket 3000

As temperatures slowly drop this fall, do you wish you had an electric blanket to warm your bed?

Well forget that! A new, more powerful technology is available! It’s the GASOLINE-POWERED, HEATED “DIESEL BLANKET 3000!”

That’s right. Dream your nights away beneath the blanket that the Fireman’s Association of the Pacific Northwest ironically called “a total nightmare.” Gently fall asleep to the odiferous exhaust fumes and subtle 91-decibel purr of this gas-powered generator.

According to Sharon, of Lake Winnepacky, MN, “I sweated so much, I can drink a whole bottle of vodka and almost not feel it!”

And James from West Grizzly Pass, Alberta says, “If I had known about this blanket when I was still married, my ex-wife and I wouldn’t have had to burn down our own house on purpose just to hide the money laundering pyramid scheme I was running out of the basement! The house might have just burned down on it’s own and I wouldn’t have gone to jail. Hell, I probably could have sued the company and claimed the insurance money… Not owning this blanket is basically my biggest regret in life!”

You’ll never need to wear a full sweatsuit to bed again! This blanket is perfect as:

  1. A gift!
  2. To keep!

CALL NOW and receive a free Lyft ride to the gas station for your first tank of gasoline!