Are you lonely? Do you hate yourself? Try the Local Music Podcasting Kit 3000!

What better way to self-punish than listening to and getting to know over 1000 local Indianapolis-area bands? With our “at least 981 of them are shitty” signature guarantee, you’ll wish you were back to crying in your glass of red in front of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer rerun at 2:30am in no time.

The kit includes:

• Microphones
• Cables
• Computer
• Audio Software
• Porn-watching software, such as “Internet Explorer”
• Headphones
• Beer fridge
• A mannequin girlfriend
• 4 or 5 girl-repelling best friends

Get the Local Music Podcasting Kit 3000 today and seal the deal on a life known to the neighbor woman as the guy who stands right up against his window to watch her carry in groceries.
THE FINE PRINT: Prolonged exposure can result in eczema, a dead snake—both literally and metaphorically, social awkwardness, soreness of other people’s ears, and 2 ex-wives.