The Living Toy Trap

Do you suspect your action figures come to life at night? Do you dream that they walk around your house and watch you sleep? When you wake, are they in a different place than you left them the night before?

Fear not! Introducing the LIVING TOY TRAP!

You won’t need to worry anymore about a tiny version of Luke Skywalker jamming grapes in your mouth as you sleep. The LIVING TOY TRAP lures action figures, dolls, figurines, and statuettes away from you! Using a 78% effective toy food—a unique blend of nutmeg, ketchup, carrots, and vodka—the LIVING TOY TRAP seals the pests in a discreet, 10 foot by 10 foot cage in your living room made of equal parts temporary construction fencing and electrified chicken wire.

Once trapped, you have the flexibility to eliminate the living toys any way you choose:

  • With a hammer
  • With a gun
  • With fire

Act now and save $100 off the starting price of $10,100!

THE FINE PRINT: Some assembly required. Single use only. When eliminating living toys, don’t throw them in a canyon. They may survive and climb out. Offer void in Maine.



Are you tired of all the traditional sports- football, baseball, basketball, etc.?

Maybe you should give “JASON-BALL” a shot!

Created by current JASON-BALL commissioner and University of Akron sophmore Jason B. Schnitzelstein, JASON-BALL features all the excitement of a full contact sport and the complexity of a strategic wits vs. knowledge competition. “We’re very proud of JASON-BALL,” Schnitzelstein boasts as he takes a swig of canned beer. “It’s pretty well thought out. I don’t just make it up as we go along or anything,” he adds without prompting.

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: “So you start with this ball, right?” Schnitzelstein explains between pauses. “And you throw it. If it lands near that lamp, you drink, right? Then I throw the next ball, but if I’m closer then I drink.”

A LOW-COST SPORT FOR THE MASSES: “If you want to be a spectator at a JASON-BALL match, we charge $10 at the door and BYOB. It’s a great business idea, because the ball is the only cost. But, we use a ball that went with a nerf basketball set that I brought from when I was a kid, so we have no costs,” Schitzelstein explains. “Inexpensive for the fans, and pure margin for us.”

At the time of this post, Schnitzelstein was considering dropping out of business school to pursue JASON-BALL full time.