The All-Soda Bartending Service

Need an experienced bartender for your next event who can mix a mean soda?

IT’S THE ALL-SODA BARTENDING SERVICE!

Let us supply the staff that fuels all the soda pop-related passions of your guests. Our trained professionals take soda mixing well past the under thought (yet extremely popular) suicide, the drink that mixes all available soda choices into one glass.

Our ‘Sodalogists’ can create anything from a Dr. Summertime (that’s Dr. Pepper and Lemonade) to a “Twist on a Classic” (that’s Coca Cola and lemon juice with a dash of crushed red pepper) to a “Moo Moo Mocha Mello” (that’s milk and Mello Yello garnished with an entire Hershey’s chocolate bar). Any one of our concoctions can turn your party inside out faster than Gangnam Style and the Macarena being played simultaneously. The All-Soda Bartending Service is perfect for:

1. Children’s parties where the kids aren’t excited enough

2. Bar or Bat Mitzvahs where the kids won’t dance with each other

3. Basically anytime there are kids who need to be rowdy and aren’t

4. College parties that run out of booze money

5. Retirement parties (as long as no one has a heart condition)

The ASBS also offers a 30-week training school, where you or an unemployed person you know can learn the fine art of soda mixing. For less than you can buy a mid-sized SUV, you could become a certified Sodalogist, complete with your training certificate and complimentary ASBS pen and lanyard. Apply today, and let’s change the world one “7 Babies on a Bender” at a time! (that’s 7UP, baby formula, Tabasco Sauce, and maple syrup).

 

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The Baby Relaxer 5000

Is your baby screaming out of control?

SOUNDS LIKE YOU MIGHT NEED THE BABY RELAXER 5000!

Using technology created by NASA engineers, the Baby Relaxer 5000 effectively calms 9 out of 10 angry and hateful babies. HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: Using the Flex-B-Strong straps, attach baby to the torso of large adult male. Without sitting down, the male must softly hum along with the provided 49-track, 2.5 hour baby-soothing CD. Wearing the patent-pending purple satin baby-patting gloves, the male must continually and gently stroke the baby into submission. Slow pacing, rocking, or light bouncing is recommended but not guaranteed in terms of successful taming of evil baby temper. If method proves ineffective after one cycle, repeat as many times as necessary.

The female partner may use this time to commiserate with friends, shop, sleep, or drink the included Mama Relaxer 5000 bottle of wine.

 

THE FINE PRINT: 9 out of 10 tested babies responded well in trials; the 1 unsuccessful case study was Ryan. He’s this inconsolably self-centered 9 year old from down the block who got all indignant about the product and testing process itself. Adult male test subject was equally uncooperative with Ryan affixed to his chest. Needless to say, that specific trial run was a total waste of a perfectly good Saturday afternoon.