Knowitol: The New Drug for People Who Know Nothing

Do you have questions, but you can’t seem to find the right answers? Do your friends always chit chat about topics that go over your head?

Well, answers and interesting facts don’t have to be as ungraspable as the smells of spilled gasoline on the garage floor from when you tilted the mower to clean the blades and you accidentally left the fuel cap off and your wife got mad.

Knowitol, the new over-the-counter, 9-times daily tablet for the wildly uninteresting and uninformed might be right for you!

Benefits of Knowitol include:

  • Sudden and unearned assurance that you’re right
  • Blind belief in unchecked facts
  • Increased confidence in your opinions
  • Increased enthusiasm during casual debates
  • Slurring of speech

Ask your doctor about Knowitol today!

THE FINE PRINT: Knowitol may cause dehydration, alienation of loved ones, excessive blinking, and early divorce. Women wishing to get pregnant should consult a high school health teacher for more information. Offer void in Maine.

 

The Geyser 500 Shower Head

Are you annoyed that your shower head is suspended from above and doesn’t spray a single, firehose-like jet from the ground up? Don’t you hate it when the shower just feels like hot rain?

Introducing THE GEYSER 500 SHOWER HEAD!

The Geyser 500 is the world’s first shower head to spray water from the ground up—the way mother nature intended. With a single jet of 500 psi, every drop of sweat, every germ, dust bunny, moth carcass, or remnants of tar or feather will be soothingly ripped from your body in the first moments of your bathing experience.

A black-marker sketch on a paper towel of a shower stall.

The Geyser 500 in action (engineer sketch).

Features include:

  • Temperature control
  • On/off nozzle

For just 4 easy payments of $59.99 (and a 5th payment of $3,499 plus sales tax, VAT, packaging fees, shipping, installment, and maintenance), you could be enjoying your new bathing experience in style!

THE FINE PRINT: The Geyser 500 is not responsible for injury to undercarriage, damage to bathroom ceiling, or flooding repair. Offer void in Maine.

 

The Virtual Reality Timeout Corner

Is your child no longer receptive to frequent timeouts? Is sending them to their room just not effective anymore?

YOU’RE TROUBLES ARE OVER. It’s the Virtual Reality Timeout Corner!

Why send your child to stare at a wall when you could banish them to a fiery hellscape, where they stand helplessly with serpents for arms and legs while lions who have knives for teeth gnash at their bellies?

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“This method works,” says Meg Megaladon, estranged mother of two. “When I’m disciplining, I mean business. The message really hits home when my kid thinks he sees an army of lava-vomiting gargoyles attacking him with nail guns.”

“Since it’s virtual reality,” online medical consultant Dick Donks explains, “no physical harm comes to the child. That’s the glory of it. All the damage is only mental.”

Is your child being too loud in a restaurant? Not listening? Whining often? Consider one of the following appropriate VR punishments:

  1. Wading into the ocean at night
  2. Ghost attacks after bedtime
  3. Bathtub shark
  4. Intruder beating the family pet
  5. Living mannequins

Call now to order, and receive a second set of VR goggles for a second insolent child! Parenting just got easier.

THE FINE PRINT: Side effects can include temporary motion sickness, psychosis, depression, sweating, and resentment of parent. The VRTC is not responsible for costs incurred during child psychiatric care, counseling, or divorce proceedings. Terms and conditions apply. Offer void in Maine.