Do you suspect your action figures come to life at night? Do you dream that they walk around your house and watch you sleep? When you wake, are they in a different place than you left them the night before?
Fear not! Introducing the LIVING TOY TRAP!
You won’t need to worry anymore about a tiny version of Luke Skywalker jamming grapes in your mouth as you sleep. The LIVING TOY TRAP lures action figures, dolls, figurines, and statuettes away from you! Using a 78% effective toy food—a unique blend of nutmeg, ketchup, carrots, and vodka—the LIVING TOY TRAP seals the pests in a discreet, 10 foot by 10 foot cage in your living room made of equal parts temporary construction fencing and electrified chicken wire.
Once trapped, you have the flexibility to eliminate the living toys any way you choose:
- With a hammer
- With a gun
- With fire
Act now and save $100 off the starting price of $10,100!
THE FINE PRINT: Some assembly required. Single use only. When eliminating living toys, don’t throw them in a canyon. They may survive and climb out. Offer void in Maine.
Do you have questions, but you can’t seem to find the right answers? Do your friends always chit chat about topics that go over your head?
Well, answers and interesting facts don’t have to be as ungraspable as the smells of spilled gasoline on the garage floor from when you tilted the mower to clean the blades and you accidentally left the fuel cap off and your wife got mad.
Knowitol, the new over-the-counter, 9-times daily tablet for the wildly uninteresting and uninformed might be right for you!
Benefits of Knowitol include:
- Sudden and unearned assurance that you’re right
- Blind belief in unchecked facts
- Increased confidence in your opinions
- Increased enthusiasm during casual debates
- Slurring of speech
Ask your doctor about Knowitol today!
THE FINE PRINT: Knowitol may cause dehydration, alienation of loved ones, excessive blinking, and early divorce. Women wishing to get pregnant should consult a high school health teacher for more information. Offer void in Maine.
Are you annoyed that your shower head is suspended from above and doesn’t spray a single, firehose-like jet from the ground up? Don’t you hate it when the shower just feels like hot rain?
Introducing THE GEYSER 500 SHOWER HEAD!
The Geyser 500 is the world’s first shower head to spray water from the ground up—the way mother nature intended. With a single jet of 500 psi, every drop of sweat, every germ, dust bunny, moth carcass, or remnants of tar or feather will be soothingly ripped from your body in the first moments of your bathing experience.
The Geyser 500 in action (engineer sketch).
- Temperature control
- On/off nozzle
For just 4 easy payments of $59.99 (and a 5th payment of $3,499 plus sales tax, VAT, packaging fees, shipping, installment, and maintenance), you could be enjoying your new bathing experience in style!
THE FINE PRINT: The Geyser 500 is not responsible for injury to undercarriage, damage to bathroom ceiling, or flooding repair. Offer void in Maine.