The Cat Cruise

Does your cat need a break from it’s busy life? Is napping in the sun and swatting at your ankles from under the end table too draining? Consider taking Mr. Mittens on a Cat Cruise!

Here at Felines of the Sea, we know cats love three things: water, unstable ground, and other cats. So, we’ve put it all together. You and your cat will be treated to seven carefree weeks on the ocean with all you can eat canned tuna fish for both of you.

The Felines of the Sea Cat Cruise includes:

  • A deluxe 8ft. X 4ft. luxury suite
  • 2 litter boxes
  • Plastic cat vomit-proof bedsheets
  • On board swimming pool with cat waterslide
  • Shuffle board

Sign up now, and reserve your spot in any of our two onboard restaurants. Seating is limited, but each chef is a 5-star Zagat-rated culinary genius.* Spend your days walking our decks, socializing with other cats (and the occasional stowaway german shepherd), and working out at one of our several cat-friendly gyms. At night, enjoy hilarious cat-themed improv in the Meow-zers Improv Theatre.

Book now, and receive a third litter box for your suite — absolutely free. Enjoy some fun at sea with your cat, and give that little guy the getaway he truly deserves.

*Chef rating pending customer reviews.

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The Local Music Podcasting Kit 3000

Are you lonely? Do you hate yourself? Try the Local Music Podcasting Kit 3000!

What better way to self-punish than listening to and getting to know over 1000 local Indianapolis-area bands? With our “at least 981 of them are shitty” signature guarantee, you’ll wish you were back to crying in your glass of red in front of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer rerun at 2:30am in no time.

The kit includes:

  • Microphones
  • Cables
  • Computer
  • Audio Software
  • Porn-watching software, such as “Internet Explorer”
  • Headphones
  • Beer fridge
  • A mannequin girlfriend
  • 4 or 5 girl-repelling best friends

Get the Local Music Podcasting Kit 3000 today and seal the deal on a life known to the neighbor woman as the guy who stands right up against his window to watch her carry in groceries.
THE FINE PRINT: Prolonged exposure can result in eczema, a dead snake—both literally and metaphorically, social awkwardness, soreness of other people’s ears, and 2 ex-wives.