Are you annoyed that your shower head is suspended from above and doesn’t spray a single, firehose-like jet from the ground up? Don’t you hate it when the shower just feels like hot rain?
Introducing THE GEYSER500 SHOWER HEAD!
The Geyser 500 is the world’s first shower head to spray water from the ground up—the way mother nature intended. With a single jet of 500 psi, every drop of sweat, every germ, dust bunny, moth carcass, or remnants of tar or feather will be soothingly ripped from your body in the first moments of your bathing experience.
The Geyser 500 in action (engineer sketch).
For just 4 easy payments of $59.99 (and a 5th payment of $3,499 plus sales tax, VAT, packaging fees, shipping, installment, and maintenance), you could be enjoying your new bathing experience in style!
THE FINE PRINT: The Geyser 500 is not responsible for injury to undercarriage, damage to bathroom ceiling, or flooding repair. Offer void in Maine.
Are you tired of coyotes scavenging your neighborhood?
Well, now your small dogs are safe thanks to the EXPIRED MEAT DONATION CENTER OF AMERICA!
The EMDCOA is a non-profit (501c3 pending) that accepts your old steaks, rib racks, flanks, shanks, and planks. Then, for $70/week, we’ll redistribute these pieces in your own backyard, and you can just sit back and watch the majesty of 6 or 7 beautiful coyotes tear through your refrigerator waste—from the safety of your back porch!
We accept all types of meat:
Chicken (de-boned only please)
Get rid of your old meats while getting closer to wildlife. Donate today!
THE FINE PRINT: Terms and conditions apply. The EXPIRED MEAT DONATION CENTER OF AMERICA is not responsible for the behavior of coyotes. No live seafood accepted. Do not approach, engage, startle, pet, or groom feral and/or mangy coyotes, deer, rabbits, horses, hawks, or eagles. Do not consume raw and expired meats while pregnant.
You’ll never have to sit through another sporting event without seeing players bite one another again!
Tune into WBITE Cincinnati, where biting is legal in every sport, and the city was chosen because it rhymed with the call sign.
Join celebrity commentators Mike Tyson and international soccer star/renowned biter Luis Suarez as they attempt to call each game/event/match while fending off toothy attacks from each other.
You’ll get 24-hour coverage of the following sporting events, all made infinitely better by unexpected biting:
Tired of NOT seeing a tennis player reach over the net and lock his or her opponent in an embrace with intent to bite the collarbone? Sick of never seeing a confident bowler celebrate a strike just before his opponent appears from nowhere and bites his hand? Don’t you hate not witnessing an olympian get bit as he or she lies on the mat helplessly, having just completed a glorious pole vault?
It’s all legal on WBITE Cincinnati! Tune in today, and leave the mouth guards at home!