Category Archives: Business

The NFL Player Behavior Management System

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Are your NFL players having trouble obeying the law?

Maybe it’s time you try the NFL PLAYER BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT SYSTEM!

The principle behind the NFLPBMS is simple. The subject wears a lightweight, subtle, and cosmetically complimentary facial dressing (known to industry professionals as a “mask”) 24 hours a day during the rehabilitation period. When the system detects poor behavior or other infractions, a jolt is delivered to the subject’s face akin to a kick from a small horse. Preliminary testing suggests that this action is an effective tool to send a message without causing permanent damage to facial features in 64% of cases.

A microchip on the mask will monitor the behavior and language of the subject. A treatment will be administered if the system detects:

1. Breaking the law including assault, theft, murder, driving under the influence, speeding, illegal parking, and any other infraction.

2. Foul language

3. Impolite and/or entitled behavior, particularly in restaurants or other locations where interactions with service industry professionals are likely

4. Entrance into a gun and/or knife show

5. Loud music containing explicit lyrics or violent themes

6. Enjoyment of reality shows or a televised UFC match

The NFLPBMS is also available in child sizes for misbehaving pre-teens and regular sized kickers. Also recommended for use with NFL team owners.

The All Coffee Diet

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Tired of fad diets that just don’t work?

TRY THE ALL COFFEE DIET!

The thing is, it’s NOT a fad. It’s the opposite. It’s what’s known to linguists as a daf, or the reverse of a fad. So a D-A-F, that’s a Diet Against Fatness. THIS CAN NOT FAIL WITH THAT KIND OF THINKING.

Forget the days of sweating on a treadmill and eating sensible meals. The All Coffee Diet is simple: when you feel your body telling you that it’s time for food, just drink a cup of coffee. It might seem unbelievable, but food service professionals claim there are the same amount of nutrients in six cups of coffee as there are in an entire thanksgiving dinner!

THE ROADMAP TO YOUR TARGET WEIGHT: Simply enjoy two cups of coffee for breakfast, one cup at 10:00 a.m., 4 cups at noon, 2 cups at 3:00 p.m., and 5 cups at 6:00 p.m., and 1 cup at 9:00 p.m. for best results. DO NOT drink cups larger than 22 fluid ounces.

THE FINE PRINT: The All Coffee Diet may/surely will cause loss of sleep, tremors, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, unsafe weight loss, hospitalization, and yellowing of the teeth. Do not operate motor vehicles, machinery, musical instruments, computers, or communication devices.

Buy Hamish Alastair O’Shenanigan’s Opinion!

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Do you need to drum up support for your secessionist movement?! Are you a staunch imperialist without friends?

Well good news! Hamish A. O’Shenanigan’s opinion is YOURS TO BUY!

Whether you are for or against having a royal ruler, Hamish doesn’t give a whip. He’ll hold your sign, march on parliament, or simply sheer any message into the sides of your sheep if that’s your game. All he asks in return are the following:

1. A barrel of his favorite ale.

2. A ride every morning for a year to his job in town as a cobbler’s apprentice/drunkard.

3. Lifetime free entry to a the log throwing world series.

4. One bagpipe cleaning.

5. 15lbs. of haggis, 3lbs. ground sausage, one gallon whole milk, Hershey’s chocolate syrup, and a blender (for making highland milkshakes).

6. One can of mustache wax

Don’t you think your country’s freedom or ongoing beneficial political and economic partnership is at least worth all that?!

HAMISH DOES. And he’s even willing to change his Facebook status to reflect your opinions for one week. Act now, and Hamish will throw in a nice dinner and night on the town as a bonus ‘thank you’ (female customers only).

Support for your cause has never been this easy to find!