The Virtual Reality Timeout Corner

Is your child no longer receptive to frequent timeouts? Is sending them to their room just not effective anymore?

YOU’RE TROUBLES ARE OVER. It’s the Virtual Reality Timeout Corner!

Why send your child to stare at a wall when you could banish them to a fiery hellscape, where they stand helplessly with serpents for arms and legs while lions who have knives for teeth gnash at their bellies?

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“This method works,” says Meg Megaladon, estranged mother of two. “When I’m disciplining, I mean business. The message really hits home when my kid thinks he sees an army of lava-vomiting gargoyles attacking him with nail guns.”

“Since it’s virtual reality,” online medical consultant Dick Donks explains, “no physical harm comes to the child. That’s the glory of it. All the damage is only mental.”

Is your child being too loud in a restaurant? Not listening? Whining often? Consider one of the following appropriate VR punishments:

  1. Wading into the ocean at night
  2. Ghost attacks after bedtime
  3. Bathtub shark
  4. Intruder beating the family pet
  5. Living mannequins

Call now to order, and receive a second set of VR goggles for a second insolent child! Parenting just got easier.

THE FINE PRINT: Side effects can include temporary motion sickness, psychosis, depression, sweating, and resentment of parent. The VRTC is not responsible for costs incurred during child psychiatric care, counseling, or divorce proceedings. Terms and conditions apply. Offer void in Maine.

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WBITE Cinncinati

FINALLY.

You’ll never have to sit through another sporting event without seeing players bite one another again!

Tune into WBITE Cincinnati, where biting is legal in every sport, and the city was chosen because it rhymed with the call sign.

Join celebrity commentators Mike Tyson and international soccer star/renowned biter Luis Suarez as they attempt to call each game/event/match while fending off toothy attacks from each other.

You’ll get 24-hour coverage of the following sporting events, all made infinitely better by unexpected biting:

  1. Baseball
  2. Golf
  3. Synchronized swimming
  4. Billiards
  5. Curling

Tired of NOT seeing a tennis player reach over the net and lock his or her opponent in an embrace with intent to bite the collarbone? Sick of never seeing a confident bowler celebrate a strike just before his opponent appears from nowhere and bites his hand? Don’t you hate not witnessing an olympian get bit as he or she lies on the mat helplessly, having just completed a glorious pole vault?

It’s all legal on WBITE Cincinnati! Tune in today, and leave the mouth guards at home!

Diesel Blanket 3000

As temperatures slowly drop this fall, do you wish you had an electric blanket to warm your bed?

Well forget that! A new, more powerful technology is available! It’s the GASOLINE-POWERED, HEATED “DIESEL BLANKET 3000!”

That’s right. Dream your nights away beneath the blanket that the Fireman’s Association of the Pacific Northwest ironically called “a total nightmare.” Gently fall asleep to the odiferous exhaust fumes and subtle 91-decibel purr of this gas-powered generator.

According to Sharon, of Lake Winnepacky, MN, “I sweated so much, I can drink a whole bottle of vodka and almost not feel it!”

And James from West Grizzly Pass, Alberta says, “If I had known about this blanket when I was still married, my ex-wife and I wouldn’t have had to burn down our own house on purpose just to hide the money laundering pyramid scheme I was running out of the basement! The house might have just burned down on it’s own and I wouldn’t have gone to jail. Hell, I probably could have sued the company¬†and claimed the insurance money… Not owning this blanket is basically my biggest regret in life!”

You’ll never need to wear a full sweatsuit to bed again! This blanket is perfect as:

  1. A gift!
  2. To keep!

CALL NOW and receive a free Lyft ride to the gas station for your first tank of gasoline!