Knowitol: The New Drug for People Who Know Nothing

Do you have questions, but you can’t seem to find the right answers? Do your friends always chit chat about topics that go over your head?

Well, answers and interesting facts don’t have to be as ungraspable as the smells of spilled gasoline on the garage floor from when you tilted the mower to clean the blades and you accidentally left the fuel cap off and your wife got mad.

Knowitol, the new over-the-counter, 9-times daily tablet for the wildly uninteresting and uninformed might be right for you!

Benefits of Knowitol include:

  • Sudden and unearned assurance that you’re right
  • Blind belief in unchecked facts
  • Increased confidence in your opinions
  • Increased enthusiasm during casual debates
  • Slurring of speech

Ask your doctor about Knowitol today!

THE FINE PRINT: Knowitol may cause dehydration, alienation of loved ones, excessive blinking, and early divorce. Women wishing to get pregnant should consult a high school health teacher for more information. Offer void in Maine.

 

The Virtual Reality Timeout Corner

Is your child no longer receptive to frequent timeouts? Is sending them to their room just not effective anymore?

YOU’RE TROUBLES ARE OVER. It’s the Virtual Reality Timeout Corner!

Why send your child to stare at a wall when you could banish them to a fiery hellscape, where they stand helplessly with serpents for arms and legs while lions who have knives for teeth gnash at their bellies?

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“This method works,” says Meg Megaladon, estranged mother of two. “When I’m disciplining, I mean business. The message really hits home when my kid thinks he sees an army of lava-vomiting gargoyles attacking him with nail guns.”

“Since it’s virtual reality,” online medical consultant Dick Donks explains, “no physical harm comes to the child. That’s the glory of it. All the damage is only mental.”

Is your child being too loud in a restaurant? Not listening? Whining often? Consider one of the following appropriate VR punishments:

  1. Wading into the ocean at night
  2. Ghost attacks after bedtime
  3. Bathtub shark
  4. Intruder beating the family pet
  5. Living mannequins

Call now to order, and receive a second set of VR goggles for a second insolent child! Parenting just got easier.

THE FINE PRINT: Side effects can include temporary motion sickness, psychosis, depression, sweating, and resentment of parent. The VRTC is not responsible for costs incurred during child psychiatric care, counseling, or divorce proceedings. Terms and conditions apply. Offer void in Maine.

WBITE Cinncinati

FINALLY.

You’ll never have to sit through another sporting event without seeing players bite one another again!

Tune into WBITE Cincinnati, where biting is legal in every sport, and the city was chosen because it rhymed with the call sign.

Join celebrity commentators Mike Tyson and international soccer star/renowned biter Luis Suarez as they attempt to call each game/event/match while fending off toothy attacks from each other.

You’ll get 24-hour coverage of the following sporting events, all made infinitely better by unexpected biting:

  1. Baseball
  2. Golf
  3. Synchronized swimming
  4. Billiards
  5. Curling

Tired of NOT seeing a tennis player reach over the net and lock his or her opponent in an embrace with intent to bite the collarbone? Sick of never seeing a confident bowler celebrate a strike just before his opponent appears from nowhere and bites his hand? Don’t you hate not witnessing an olympian get bit as he or she lies on the mat helplessly, having just completed a glorious pole vault?

It’s all legal on WBITE Cincinnati! Tune in today, and leave the mouth guards at home!