The NFL Player Behavior Management System

Are your NFL players having trouble obeying the law?

Maybe it’s time you try the NFL PLAYER BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT SYSTEM!

The principle behind the NFLPBMS is simple. The subject wears a lightweight, subtle, and cosmetically complimentary facial dressing (known to industry professionals as a “mask”) 24 hours a day during the rehabilitation period. When the system detects poor behavior or other infractions, a jolt is delivered to the subject’s face akin to a kick from a small horse. Preliminary testing suggests that this action is an effective tool to send a message without causing permanent damage to facial features in 64% of cases.

A microchip on the mask will monitor the behavior and language of the subject. A treatment will be administered if the system detects:

1. Breaking the law including assault, theft, murder, driving under the influence, speeding, illegal parking, and any other infraction.

2. Foul language

3. Impolite and/or entitled behavior, particularly in restaurants or other locations where interactions with service industry professionals are likely

4. Entrance into a gun and/or knife show

5. Loud music containing explicit lyrics or violent themes

6. Enjoyment of reality shows or a televised UFC match

The NFLPBMS is also available in child sizes for misbehaving pre-teens and regular sized kickers. Also recommended for use with NFL team owners.