Are your NFL players having trouble obeying the law?
Maybe it’s time you try the NFL PLAYER BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT SYSTEM!
The principle behind the NFLPBMS is simple. The subject wears a lightweight, subtle, and cosmetically complimentary facial dressing (known to industry professionals as a “mask”) 24 hours a day during the rehabilitation period. When the system detects poor behavior or other infractions, a jolt is delivered to the subject’s face akin to a kick from a small horse. Preliminary testing suggests that this action is an effective tool to send a message without causing permanent damage to facial features in 64% of cases.
A microchip on the mask will monitor the behavior and language of the subject. A treatment will be administered if the system detects:
1. Breaking the law including assault, theft, murder, driving under the influence, speeding, illegal parking, and any other infraction.
2. Foul language
3. Impolite and/or entitled behavior, particularly in restaurants or other locations where interactions with service industry professionals are likely
4. Entrance into a gun and/or knife show
5. Loud music containing explicit lyrics or violent themes
6. Enjoyment of reality shows or a televised UFC match
The NFLPBMS is also available in child sizes for misbehaving pre-teens and regular sized kickers. Also recommended for use with NFL team owners.