Diesel Blanket 3000

As temperatures slowly drop this fall, do you wish you had an electric blanket to warm your bed?

Well forget that! A new, more powerful technology is available! It’s the GASOLINE-POWERED, HEATED “DIESEL BLANKET 3000!”

That’s right. Dream your nights away beneath the blanket that the Fireman’s Association of the Pacific Northwest ironically called “a total nightmare.” Gently fall asleep to the odiferous exhaust fumes and subtle 91-decibel purr of this gas-powered generator.

According to Sharon, of Lake Winnepacky, MN, “I sweated so much, I can drink a whole bottle of vodka and almost not feel it!”

And James from West Grizzly Pass, Alberta says, “If I had known about this blanket when I was still married, my ex-wife and I wouldn’t have had to burn down our own house on purpose just to hide the money laundering pyramid scheme I was running out of the basement! The house might have just burned down on it’s own and I wouldn’t have gone to jail. Hell, I probably could have sued the company and claimed the insurance money… Not owning this blanket is basically my biggest regret in life!”

You’ll never need to wear a full sweatsuit to bed again! This blanket is perfect as:

  1. A gift!
  2. To keep!

CALL NOW and receive a free Lyft ride to the gas station for your first tank of gasoline!

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The All-LIDS Mall

What does every single mall-goer have?

HEADS.

And what do most of those heads not have? A HAT REPRESENTING EVERY TEAM IN EVERY PROFESSIONAL SPORT.

Well, all that is about to change. Meet the All-LIDS Mall.

Most American malls only have two LIDS locations. At the new All-LIDS Mall, you’ll get 71 LIDS locations with hats for any occasion:

  1. College Reunions
  2. Weddings
  3. Divorces

Snap back? Sure! Fitted? You got it! Indiana Jones’ fedora? Absolutely—and in every MLB team color including a logo!

NOW STOCKING TALLER HATS FOR SHORT PEOPLE!

The Repurposed Human Hand Backscratcher

Aren’t you tired of finding the perfect back scratcher? They’re so expensive and confusing. What should I pick? One with a tiny hand on the end of a stick or one with a tiny little rake on a stick?

WORRY NO MORE!

We know nothing beats the feel of real fingernails on your back—especially when another person is scratching that hard-to-reach spot. That’s why we invented the REPURPOSED HUMAN HAND BACKSCRATCHER.

Tens of thousands of people donate their bodies to science each year, but the limbs from the elbows down often go to waste. We salvage these vital body parts and put them through a rigorous preservation procedure:

  1. File/sharpen the nails
  2. Whole limb dipped in wood varnish
  3. Put on a stick

The next thing you know, your itches are being scratched by a real human any time you want.

THE FINE PRINT: No suitable for children under eight, some customers complained of an unfavorable smell, no returns, gift cards available.