The Expired Meat Donation Center of America

Are you tired of coyotes scavenging your neighborhood?

Well, now your small dogs are safe thanks to the EXPIRED MEAT DONATION CENTER OF AMERICA!

The EMDCOA is a non-profit (501c3 pending) that accepts your old steaks, rib racks, flanks, shanks, and planks. Then, for $70/week, we’ll redistribute these pieces in your own backyard, and you can just sit back and watch the majesty of 6 or 7 beautiful coyotes tear through your refrigerator waste—from the safety of your back porch!

We accept all types of meat:

  1. Beef
  2. Pork
  3. Chicken (de-boned only please)
  4. Venison
  5. Raccoon
  6. Feline
  7. Trout

Get rid of your old meats while getting closer to wildlife. Donate today!

THE FINE PRINT: Terms and conditions apply. The EXPIRED MEAT DONATION CENTER OF AMERICA is not responsible for the behavior of coyotes. No live seafood accepted. Do not approach, engage, startle, pet, or groom feral and/or mangy coyotes, deer, rabbits, horses, hawks, or eagles. Do not consume raw and expired meats while pregnant.

WBITE Cinncinati

FINALLY.

You’ll never have to sit through another sporting event without seeing players bite one another again!

Tune into WBITE Cincinnati, where biting is legal in every sport, and the city was chosen because it rhymed with the call sign.

Join celebrity commentators Mike Tyson and international soccer star/renowned biter Luis Suarez as they attempt to call each game/event/match while fending off toothy attacks from each other.

You’ll get 24-hour coverage of the following sporting events, all made infinitely better by unexpected biting:

  1. Baseball
  2. Golf
  3. Synchronized swimming
  4. Billiards
  5. Curling

Tired of NOT seeing a tennis player reach over the net and lock his or her opponent in an embrace with intent to bite the collarbone? Sick of never seeing a confident bowler celebrate a strike just before his opponent appears from nowhere and bites his hand? Don’t you hate not witnessing an olympian get bit as he or she lies on the mat helplessly, having just completed a glorious pole vault?

It’s all legal on WBITE Cincinnati! Tune in today, and leave the mouth guards at home!

Diesel Blanket 3000

As temperatures slowly drop this fall, do you wish you had an electric blanket to warm your bed?

Well forget that! A new, more powerful technology is available! It’s the GASOLINE-POWERED, HEATED “DIESEL BLANKET 3000!”

That’s right. Dream your nights away beneath the blanket that the Fireman’s Association of the Pacific Northwest ironically called “a total nightmare.” Gently fall asleep to the odiferous exhaust fumes and subtle 91-decibel purr of this gas-powered generator.

According to Sharon, of Lake Winnepacky, MN, “I sweated so much, I can drink a whole bottle of vodka and almost not feel it!”

And James from West Grizzly Pass, Alberta says, “If I had known about this blanket when I was still married, my ex-wife and I wouldn’t have had to burn down our own house on purpose just to hide the money laundering pyramid scheme I was running out of the basement! The house might have just burned down on it’s own and I wouldn’t have gone to jail. Hell, I probably could have sued the company and claimed the insurance money… Not owning this blanket is basically my biggest regret in life!”

You’ll never need to wear a full sweatsuit to bed again! This blanket is perfect as:

  1. A gift!
  2. To keep!

CALL NOW and receive a free Lyft ride to the gas station for your first tank of gasoline!