Category Archives: Humor

The “How to Appear in a World Series” Handbook

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Does your team lack experience at competing in baseball’s world series? Have none of your players been alive to see their club compete at the highest level?

Sounds like you need the “How to Appear in a World Series” Handbook!

It’s your step-by-step guide to baseball’s biggest show! Teams that go into the World Series unprepared are statistically proven to lose, like, 42% of the time. With our no-fail handbook, you too can be an expert- even if you have no one on your team that the rest of the country would recognize as ‘good at baseball’! Our handbook will explain crucial details such as:

1. Try to win 4 games. That’s how many you need to get a trophy!

2. You will be on TV and your name will be in the paper. Relatives you never hear from may start calling.

3. A game losing error will live with you for the rest of your life.

4. Try not to place a wager on the outcome, take a steroid, use a corked bat, or text a hot reporter a picture of any part of your body.

Congratulations! You’ve been given a once in a lifetime opportunity, unless you go on to play for the Yankees or Cardinals.

The Fingernail Solution

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Have you been searching for a less expensive and easier process for trimming your fingers and toenails?

Well, now there’s FINGERAPHOL!

Pending FDA approval, FINGERAPHOL is the ‘cutting’ edge new drug to stifle fingernail growth. Gone are the days of time consuming clipping sessions. Never again will you need to continually buy new trimmers when they break on your substantial and cosmetically offensive fingernails.

FINGERAPHOL works on your DNA, so you will no longer even have to worry about fingernails at all. If successful, your children will also be cured of fingernails without ever needing the drug! For as little as $40.99 each week, all your life’s problems will be solved. Some unfortunate side effects include:

1. Nausea

2. Oily oral discharge

3. Hair loss

4. Shoulder dislocation

5. Changes in right/left handedness

6. Loss of memory or complete motor function

7. Permanent impotence

8. Infertility

9. Headaches

MORE FINE PRINT: If side effects last longer than 3 years, consult a physician.

EbolAway: The All Herbal Ebola Remedy

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Sick and tired of having ebola?!

Us too. Well, now there’s EBOLAWAY! It’s your all natural, gluten free solution to a potentially very serious ebola infection!

Developed in the labs at Northern Indianapolis College of Dramatic Arts and Dance, this remedy will not only save you millions in medical bills- IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE. Why look to modern medicine when everything you need is available at your local grocery store, pharmacy, and Buffalo Wild Wings? Let EBOLAWAY be your guide to total health, the natural way.

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: Once you’ve been diagnosed with ebola, simply assemble the following ingredients:

1. Oregano

2. Neosporin

3. Crisco

4. One ace bandage

5. Asian Zing* wing sauce from Buffalo Wild Wings

*DO NOT use teriyaki

For as little as $49.99 per week, you will receive our 11 page instruction booklet detailing the proper use and handling of these delicate and rare ingredients. The best part: you will probably never be contagious during our treatment, we think. When properly employed our ingredients will not only kill the ebola virus, but wind up murdering many other dangerous parts of your body. Don’t let ebola eat away at you. CALL NOW.

THE FINE PRINT: Successful test cases resulted from the aid of complete submission to modern medical practices regardless of EbolAway policies or directives.