The Repurposed Human Hand Backscratcher

Aren’t you tired of finding the perfect back scratcher? They’re so expensive and confusing. What should I pick? One with a tiny hand on the end of a stick or one with a tiny little rake on a stick?

WORRY NO MORE!

We know nothing beats the feel of real fingernails on your back—especially when another person is scratching that hard-to-reach spot. That’s why we invented the REPURPOSED HUMAN HAND BACKSCRATCHER.

Tens of thousands of people donate their bodies to science each year, but the limbs from the elbows down often go to waste. We salvage these vital body parts and put them through a rigorous preservation procedure:

  1. File/sharpen the nails
  2. Whole limb dipped in wood varnish
  3. Put on a stick

The next thing you know, your itches are being scratched by a real human any time you want.

THE FINE PRINT: No suitable for children under eight, some customers complained of an unfavorable smell, no returns, gift cards available.

Hemoween 5000

Are you tired of the time consuming candy-eating process?

Sounds like you should try our HEMOWEEN 5000!

Don’t worry about wasting time with wrappers. Forget those nagging parents telling you to “slow down” or “seriously, beware of your deadly chocolate allergy!” From here on out, you will be able to enjoy your Halloween treats at your own pace: super fast.

The HEMOWEEN 5000 condenses candy into a mixture with a saline based solution and delivers the goods intravenously. You’ll experience that adrenaline high without the hassle that comes along with taste. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL. Since you’re receiving the candy straight to your blood stream, it lasts longer than candy taken orally.*

*claim unverified

Set up is easy. Simply load your candy (wrappers included) into the 5000, throw the ‘process’ switch, and ride that delicious pony into November.

THE FINE PRINT: Effects can last much longer than just November. Store in a sterile environment, and thoroughly clean after every single use. Sharing is not recommended. ALSO: When you crash, you crash hard. Some test cases still hospitalized. The HEMOWEEN 5000 should not be used without supervision of an older, already addicted sibling.

EbolAway: The All Herbal Ebola Remedy

Sick and tired of having ebola?!

Us too. Well, now there’s EBOLAWAY! It’s your all natural, gluten free solution to a potentially very serious ebola infection!

Developed in the labs at Northern Indianapolis College of Dramatic Arts and Dance, this remedy will not only save you millions in medical bills- IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE. Why look to modern medicine when everything you need is available at your local grocery store, pharmacy, and Buffalo Wild Wings? Let EBOLAWAY be your guide to total health, the natural way.

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: Once you’ve been diagnosed with ebola, simply assemble the following ingredients:

1. Oregano

2. Neosporin

3. Crisco

4. One ace bandage

5. Asian Zing* wing sauce from Buffalo Wild Wings

*DO NOT use teriyaki

For as little as $49.99 per week, you will receive our 11 page instruction booklet detailing the proper use and handling of these delicate and rare ingredients. The best part: you will probably never be contagious during our treatment, we think. When properly employed our ingredients will not only kill the ebola virus, but wind up murdering many other dangerous parts of your body. Don’t let ebola eat away at you. CALL NOW.

THE FINE PRINT: Successful test cases resulted from the aid of complete submission to modern medical practices regardless of EbolAway policies or directives.