Category Archives: Humor

The Wildlife Leadership Investment

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Is your urban wildlife population dwindling in greatness? More specifically, are the bears in your midwestern metropolis not what they used to be?

MAYBE IT’S TIME TO CONSIDER THE WILDLIFE LEADERSHIP INVESTMENT!

According to the civic organization “Scientists Without Any Formal Education”, teams of grizzlies generally look to a leader when locked in a territory war with other packs. The WILDLIFE LEADERSHIP INVESTMENT is an initiative to incentivize the alpha Bear to reach for success.

With the hunting season drawing to a close, the following recommendations are presented for the success of the organization of Bears in Chicago:

1. Pander to the alpha Bear, despite performance of duties

2. Over compensate the beast, blindly believing his behavior will change

3. Assume without evidence that the alpha bear has leadership capabilities comparable to an alpha bronco, an alpha seahawk, or even the young alpha colt.

4. Never apologize for the lackluster competitive spirit of the alpha bear, or the apathetic facial expression it makes when huddle in the Chicago cold, watching his herd battle.

5. Allow the city that once was the natural habit to the largest and most ferocious alpha bull to descend into further mediocrity at the hands of the alpha Bear.

If these steps are followed, the alpha Bear will surely lead the herd to competitive success for a decade to come. We think. Probably.

The Chapstick Library

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Are you tired of purchasing expensive lip balm?

Try the new CHAPSTICK LIBRARY!

You’ll never have to worry about disappointing lip balm flavors ever again when you get approved for a Chapstick Library card. For a low, one-time monthly fee of $49.99, you will have unlimited access to over one thousand brands, flavors, and colors of lip protection. Simply stop in one of our many convenient locations, and check out the flavor you want.

The average American carries anywhere from 9-13 Chapsticks on their person at all times. But now, all that will change. You’ll have room for all the money you’ll save from NOT buying Chapstick!

Want to try out a particular flavor, but don’t want to spend the money on a full stick? NO PROBLEM!

Want to mix and match lip balm on your upper and lower lip? NO PROBLEM!

Need more room in your purse for a handgun? NO PROBLEM!

Treat your kisser right this holiday season, or better yet, give your kin’s kisser the gift of hydration!

Hemoween 5000

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Are you tired of the time consuming candy-eating process?

Sounds like you should try our HEMOWEEN 5000!

Don’t worry about wasting time with wrappers. Forget those nagging parents telling you to “slow down” or “seriously, beware of your deadly chocolate allergy!” From here on out, you will be able to enjoy your Halloween treats at your own pace: super fast.

The HEMOWEEN 5000 condenses candy into a mixture with a saline based solution and delivers the goods intravenously. You’ll experience that adrenaline high without the hassle that comes along with taste. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL. Since you’re receiving the candy straight to your blood stream, it lasts longer than candy taken orally.*

*claim unverified

Set up is easy. Simply load your candy (wrappers included) into the 5000, throw the ‘process’ switch, and ride that delicious pony into November.

THE FINE PRINT: Effects can last much longer than just November. Store in a sterile environment, and thoroughly clean after every single use. Sharing is not recommended. ALSO: When you crash, you crash hard. Some test cases still hospitalized. The HEMOWEEN 5000 should not be used without supervision of an older, already addicted sibling.