Are you tired of the time consuming candy-eating process?

Sounds like you should try our HEMOWEEN 5000!

Don’t worry about wasting time with wrappers. Forget those nagging parents telling you to “slow down” or “seriously, beware of your deadly chocolate allergy!” From here on out, you will be able to enjoy your Halloween treats at your own pace: super fast.

The HEMOWEEN 5000 condenses candy into a mixture with a saline based solution and delivers the goods intravenously. You’ll experience that adrenaline high without the hassle that comes along with taste. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL. Since you’re receiving the candy straight to your blood stream, it lasts longer than candy taken orally.*

*claim unverified

Set up is easy. Simply load your candy (wrappers included) into the 5000, throw the ‘process’ switch, and ride that delicious pony into November.

THE FINE PRINT: Effects can last much longer than just November. Store in a sterile environment, and thoroughly clean after every single use. Sharing is not recommended. ALSO: When you crash, you crash hard. Some test cases still hospitalized. The HEMOWEEN 5000 should not be used without supervision of an older, already addicted sibling.