Category Archives: Business

The Chapstick Library

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Are you tired of purchasing expensive lip balm?

Try the new CHAPSTICK LIBRARY!

You’ll never have to worry about disappointing lip balm flavors ever again when you get approved for a Chapstick Library card. For a low, one-time monthly fee of $49.99, you will have unlimited access to over one thousand brands, flavors, and colors of lip protection. Simply stop in one of our many convenient locations, and check out the flavor you want.

The average American carries anywhere from 9-13 Chapsticks on their person at all times. But now, all that will change. You’ll have room for all the money you’ll save from NOT buying Chapstick!

Want to try out a particular flavor, but don’t want to spend the money on a full stick? NO PROBLEM!

Want to mix and match lip balm on your upper and lower lip? NO PROBLEM!

Need more room in your purse for a handgun? NO PROBLEM!

Treat your kisser right this holiday season, or better yet, give your kin’s kisser the gift of hydration!

Hemoween 5000

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Are you tired of the time consuming candy-eating process?

Sounds like you should try our HEMOWEEN 5000!

Don’t worry about wasting time with wrappers. Forget those nagging parents telling you to “slow down” or “seriously, beware of your deadly chocolate allergy!” From here on out, you will be able to enjoy your Halloween treats at your own pace: super fast.

The HEMOWEEN 5000 condenses candy into a mixture with a saline based solution and delivers the goods intravenously. You’ll experience that adrenaline high without the hassle that comes along with taste. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL. Since you’re receiving the candy straight to your blood stream, it lasts longer than candy taken orally.*

*claim unverified

Set up is easy. Simply load your candy (wrappers included) into the 5000, throw the ‘process’ switch, and ride that delicious pony into November.

THE FINE PRINT: Effects can last much longer than just November. Store in a sterile environment, and thoroughly clean after every single use. Sharing is not recommended. ALSO: When you crash, you crash hard. Some test cases still hospitalized. The HEMOWEEN 5000 should not be used without supervision of an older, already addicted sibling.

The “How to Appear in a World Series” Handbook

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Does your team lack experience at competing in baseball’s world series? Have none of your players been alive to see their club compete at the highest level?

Sounds like you need the “How to Appear in a World Series” Handbook!

It’s your step-by-step guide to baseball’s biggest show! Teams that go into the World Series unprepared are statistically proven to lose, like, 42% of the time. With our no-fail handbook, you too can be an expert- even if you have no one on your team that the rest of the country would recognize as ‘good at baseball’! Our handbook will explain crucial details such as:

1. Try to win 4 games. That’s how many you need to get a trophy!

2. You will be on TV and your name will be in the paper. Relatives you never hear from may start calling.

3. A game losing error will live with you for the rest of your life.

4. Try not to place a wager on the outcome, take a steroid, use a corked bat, or text a hot reporter a picture of any part of your body.

Congratulations! You’ve been given a once in a lifetime opportunity, unless you go on to play for the Yankees or Cardinals.