Category Archives: Sports

The NFL Player Behavior Management System

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Are your NFL players having trouble obeying the law?

Maybe it’s time you try the NFL PLAYER BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT SYSTEM!

The principle behind the NFLPBMS is simple. The subject wears a lightweight, subtle, and cosmetically complimentary facial dressing (known to industry professionals as a “mask”) 24 hours a day during the rehabilitation period. When the system detects poor behavior or other infractions, a jolt is delivered to the subject’s face akin to a kick from a small horse. Preliminary testing suggests that this action is an effective tool to send a message without causing permanent damage to facial features in 64% of cases.

A microchip on the mask will monitor the behavior and language of the subject. A treatment will be administered if the system detects:

1. Breaking the law including assault, theft, murder, driving under the influence, speeding, illegal parking, and any other infraction.

2. Foul language

3. Impolite and/or entitled behavior, particularly in restaurants or other locations where interactions with service industry professionals are likely

4. Entrance into a gun and/or knife show

5. Loud music containing explicit lyrics or violent themes

6. Enjoyment of reality shows or a televised UFC match

The NFLPBMS is also available in child sizes for misbehaving pre-teens and regular sized kickers. Also recommended for use with NFL team owners.

The NFL Bubble Bath Package

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Has the NFL season snuck up you because you spent your summer too wrapped up in tennis?!

Me too. Sounds like you need to get back into NFL mode the way it’s meant to be enjoyed: IN THE BATHTUB!

Gone are the days of watching the big game in annoying bars, surrounded by your team’s obnoxious fans. You won’t have to worry about getting buffalo wing sauce on the side of your beer glass, or high-fiving someone you don’t even know over a much-needed touchdown.

Finally, the NFL Bubble Bath Package allows you watch the game the way you want to watch it, without guacamole, big screen TVs, or your favorite player’s jersey. The NFLBBP includes:

1. Suds scented with your choice of “Floral Dream,” “Desert Roses,” or “Bud Light”

2. Battery operated antenna TV with spacious 8 inch X 6 inch screen (prevents electric shock in case of submersion, 10 D Batteries not included)

3. Wine glass with your team’s logo

4. Can of Cheetos

5. Toy battleship

Order now, and for a limited time receive a bonus “Thank You” gift: a 3 month subscription to Home and Gardens. Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson lookalike Jacob Sappenfield says “The NFL Bubble Bath Package is the way I start my day! I never even shower anymore!”

CALL NOW!