Category Archives: Humor

The Whites Only Omelette Festival

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Do you love egg-based breakfast food?!

Then you’ll love the WHITES ONLY OMELETTE FESTIVAL!

A celebration of breakfast food for health-conscious foodies worldwide, the WOOF showcases many diverse recipes for egg-white only omelette creation. For three weeks in August, festival goers enjoy live music, tasting booths, contests, and more.

DISCLAIMER: Due to unfortunate events during previous years’ Whites Only Omelette Festival, the WOOF committee would like to issue the following statements:

1. The Whites Only Omelette Festival is open to all races.

2. The Whites Only Omelette Festival will not tolerate demonstrations celebrating white race supremacy.

3. The Whites Only Omelette Festival can not survive another year of violent protests.

4. The Whites Only Omelette Festival now prohibits the use or possession of any weapons outside the essential omelette making utensils. Non-violent utilization of the following will be allowed: knives, forks, spoons, sporks, spatulas, cap-guns, and slingshots (and any other tools necessary for gourmet omelette creation).

5. The Whites Only Omelette Festival will no longer award decorative brass knuckles or engraved baseball bats as eating contest prizes.

6. The Whites Only Omelette Festival will no longer host a drunk person boxing tournament.

7. The Whites Only Omelette Festival is seeking a non-racist, well-educated, and diverse group of volunteers and sponsors. APPLY NOW!

Actual Goldfish Snacks

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Are you tired of imitation snack foods?

Try ACTUAL GOLDFISH!

Unlike their snarky little posing counterparts, Actual Goldfish combine all your favorite snack food flavors with the authenticity of fishbowl life. You’ll no longer need to worry about all those cracker crumbs or pesky Pepperidge Farm particles getting caught between your teeth. Whether you’re sitting at your desk, in the cafeteria, or on public transportation with several horrified onlookers, Goldfish are the perfect way to quell hunger pangs without ruining dinner.

Here at Actual Goldfish, we fishbowl raise (or carnival win) all our snack product. Available in all the popular flavors, enjoy a cheddar cheese or pretzel goldfish the way you would any snack.

“HEY, BUT YOU ARE STILL EATING A LIVE GOLDFISH!”: True, but raw fresh fish is a delicacy. What could possibly make sushi better? Obviously, the answer is a light dusting of bright orange imitation cheddar cheese flavoring.

Let’s face it: in today’s economy, who has the budget for expensive snack crackers? Actual Goldfish are guaranteed to satisfy your rumbling tummy, or YOUR MONEY BACK! GUARANTEED!*

*No returns or refunds under any circumstances whatsoever.

Stereo Stilts

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Have you ever wondered, “When did walking on stilts become so routine?”

Luckily for you, stilts are as always ahead of the technology game! Introducing STEREOSTILTS: stilts with an mp3 dock and built in speakers!

Somewhere, someone’s research might show that the popularity of stilts is at its highest. Still, reports of boredom while walking on stilts have begun to surface across America. While hard to believe, we here at StereoStilts have the answer!

Compatible with any number of bestselling mp3 players, imagine your mundane stilt trips around the block suddenly fueled by a soundtrack of your choice. Your neighbors will suddenly be asking to borrow your sugar after seeing you traipse by with your favorite Pantera, Slayer, or Korn song drowning out all your feelings of inadequacy!

Retiree and avid gardener Edna Wolinski can attest to StereoStilt’s success: “My life turned around the day I discovered I could listen to my Michael Buble as I shuffle down to the market every morning. The high risk of falling and ruining my extremely expensive recent double hip replacement is far outweighed by the feeling I get when I hear “Haven’t Met You Yet” three feet above the sidewalk!”

StereoStilts are available for six hassle-free payments of $999.99. Shipping and tax not included.