Category Archives: Business

The Fingernail Solution

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Have you been searching for a less expensive and easier process for trimming your fingers and toenails?

Well, now there’s FINGERAPHOL!

Pending FDA approval, FINGERAPHOL is the ‘cutting’ edge new drug to stifle fingernail growth. Gone are the days of time consuming clipping sessions. Never again will you need to continually buy new trimmers when they break on your substantial and cosmetically offensive fingernails.

FINGERAPHOL works on your DNA, so you will no longer even have to worry about fingernails at all. If successful, your children will also be cured of fingernails without ever needing the drug! For as little as $40.99 each week, all your life’s problems will be solved. Some unfortunate side effects include:

1. Nausea

2. Oily oral discharge

3. Hair loss

4. Shoulder dislocation

5. Changes in right/left handedness

6. Loss of memory or complete motor function

7. Permanent impotence

8. Infertility

9. Headaches

MORE FINE PRINT: If side effects last longer than 3 years, consult a physician.

EbolAway: The All Herbal Ebola Remedy

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Sick and tired of having ebola?!

Us too. Well, now there’s EBOLAWAY! It’s your all natural, gluten free solution to a potentially very serious ebola infection!

Developed in the labs at Northern Indianapolis College of Dramatic Arts and Dance, this remedy will not only save you millions in medical bills- IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE. Why look to modern medicine when everything you need is available at your local grocery store, pharmacy, and Buffalo Wild Wings? Let EBOLAWAY be your guide to total health, the natural way.

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: Once you’ve been diagnosed with ebola, simply assemble the following ingredients:

1. Oregano

2. Neosporin

3. Crisco

4. One ace bandage

5. Asian Zing* wing sauce from Buffalo Wild Wings

*DO NOT use teriyaki

For as little as $49.99 per week, you will receive our 11 page instruction booklet detailing the proper use and handling of these delicate and rare ingredients. The best part: you will probably never be contagious during our treatment, we think. When properly employed our ingredients will not only kill the ebola virus, but wind up murdering many other dangerous parts of your body. Don’t let ebola eat away at you. CALL NOW.

THE FINE PRINT: Successful test cases resulted from the aid of complete submission to modern medical practices regardless of EbolAway policies or directives.

 

 

Muppet Kung Fu Kombat Death Match

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Are your children tired of the standard educational numbers and letters video games?

Maybe it’s time for MUPPET KUNG FU KOMBAT DEATH MATCH!

A mature-themed, violent, head-to-head fighting game with youthful appeal, your 3-7 year old will love portraying their favorite Muppets in all out one-on-one kung fu matches to the death. Available on most entertainment consoles (pending a highly likely Disney approval), simplified controls and engaging graphics will make it easy for your impressionable toddler  to play.

Features include:

1. A signature finishing move, tailored to each individual character.

2. Multiple fight sites including Muppet studios, Kermit’s swamp, and an industrial warehouse.

3. Unlockable secret characters including Darth Vader, Rush Limbaugh, and Scooter.

4. “Zombie Mode”allows children to play as undead versions of Muppets.

5. Separately sold “Death Packs” include additional software containing more finishing moves.

A mobile version of the game is currently being designed for children’s iPhones, to minimize behavioral issues in waiting rooms and on public transportation. In keeping with the great tradition of positive child development and pop culture progress, this game’s innovators are convinced that the future of education relies on a healthy awareness of graphic violence and overly animated gymnastic kung fu moves.