Author Archives: Pres Maxson

The Local Music Podcasting Kit 3000

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Are you lonely? Do you hate yourself? Try the Local Music Podcasting Kit 3000!

What better way to self-punish than listening to and getting to know over 1000 local Indianapolis-area bands? With our “at least 981 of them are shitty” signature guarantee, you’ll wish you were back to crying in your glass of red in front of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer rerun at 2:30am in no time.

The kit includes:

  • Microphones
  • Cables
  • Computer
  • Audio Software
  • Porn-watching software, such as “Internet Explorer”
  • Headphones
  • Beer fridge
  • A mannequin girlfriend
  • 4 or 5 girl-repelling best friends

Get the Local Music Podcasting Kit 3000 today and seal the deal on a life known to the neighbor woman as the guy who stands right up against his window to watch her carry in groceries.
THE FINE PRINT: Prolonged exposure can result in eczema, a dead snake—both literally and metaphorically, social awkwardness, soreness of other people’s ears, and 2 ex-wives.

My First Haircut Kit

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Is your child terrible at giving haircuts?

Well worry no more, because MY FIRST HAIRCUT KIT is here to make your child a pro!

Whether giving himself/herself a trim, helping their parents out with a little off the top, or opening a small barbershop kiosk on the corner of your neighborhood streets, children can now get the vital hair-cutting experience they need.

Designed for children ages 2-6, the haircut kit includes:

  • Professional grade shears
  • Industry grade electric razor (guards sold separately)
  • Shaving (includes 6 pre-sharpened utility blades)
  • Mohawk stencil
  • Hairstyle Instructional pamphlet
  • First aid kit with blood towel
  • Set of legal team business cards

For four easy payments of $69.99, you could start experiencing the convenience of in-home haircuts in the most popular styles — bowl cut, crew cut, OR skin head. Gone are the days of expensive trips to the barber, with unknown hands in your hair and incessant conversation with a stylist or shampooer.

Don’t forget to check out MY SECOND HAIRCUT, an advanced set of tools for your 7-10 year old child, including curlers, dyes and coloring agents, combs, more razors, more scissors, a home-sharpening tool, hairsprays and gels, and a “Yes, I cut my own hair” t-shirt.

ORDER NOW

The Re-Resolutionator

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Now that your New Year’s resolution has failed, want a do-over?

Sounds like you could use the RE-RESOLUTIONATOR!

Using a combination of handheld and cloud technology, the Re-Resolutionator is the device of the future. Simply input your weight, your career, your home address, your family member’s social security numbers, the number of steps you take in a day, your calorie intake, your yearly salary, your wardrobe preference, make and model of your car, and your payment information. Then, the Re-Resolutionator spits out your very own custom (and entirely achievable) NEW New Year’s resolution. It couldn’t be easier!

CUSTOMER TESTIMONIALS:

“I set a goal to run two miles every morning, but that was over by January 3rd. Thanks to the Re-Resolutionator, I have a new goal! It told me to use the word “Bathysphere” in a sentence every day. Now that I can do!” -Gerald K., Fortville, IN

“My new goal is to sell my old pair of rollerblades in a garage sale. Thanks Re-Resolutionator!” – Sarah G., Fargo, MN

“I was up for quitting smoking, but the Re-Resolutionator said I should get into watching soccer. Big win for me.” -Tim B., Saratoga, NY