Author Archives: Pres Maxson

Shoe Stretcher 5000

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Are your shoes too small? Do you get uncomfortable toe cramps?

CRAMP YOUR TOES NO MORE.

The Shoe Stretcher 5000 will save you the painstaking time and effort that comes with shopping for new shoes. Act now to take advantage of the sale price of $99.99, monthly for 6 years!

Simply place the latex-free polysynthetic hybrid leather/naugahyde balloon into the shoe cavity. Adjust the mouthpiece to fit your mouth hole size (all mouth hole sizes accommodated with the 27-piece mouth hole blower nozzle kit available for an extra $69.99). Inflate the latex-free polysynthetic hybrid leather/naugahyde balloon with your lung power over a brief 4-6 hour period.

Let sit for 3 months, and voila! Your shoes will be one quarter women’s size larger!

Elongating your shoes has never been easier!

Call today to get a free Matchbox Twenty Live in Denver CD with your order!

Write Your Own Novel Kit 5000

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Do you have insights and social commentary to share, but no one ever asks your opinion?!

Well you’re in luck! Order the WRITE YOUR OWN NOVEL KIT 5000 today!

For a low payment of $89.99—weekly for next three years—you too could be a conduit for pop culture and the American subconscious. You’ll learn the writer’s process in 3 simple steps:

 

  • Start writing
  • Rewrite
  • Second guess your ability and let that doubt creep into all other aspects of your life, driving you into a deep over-analysis and worry about every choice you made

 

Get started getting stuck on one sentence for 35 minutes today! You’ll be drunk-writing 10 pages that will sound like nonsense when you’re sober in no time!

ORDER NOW to enjoy a life of solitude, only showering after accidentally smelling yourself when you reach for booze on the top of the refrigerator.

The Cat Cruise

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Does your cat need a break from it’s busy life? Is napping in the sun and swatting at your ankles from under the end table too draining? Consider taking Mr. Mittens on a Cat Cruise!

Here at Felines of the Sea, we know cats love three things: water, unstable ground, and other cats. So, we’ve put it all together. You and your cat will be treated to seven carefree weeks on the ocean with all you can eat canned tuna fish for both of you.

The Felines of the Sea Cat Cruise includes:

  • A deluxe 8ft. X 4ft. luxury suite
  • 2 litter boxes
  • Plastic cat vomit-proof bedsheets
  • On board swimming pool with cat waterslide
  • Shuffle board

Sign up now, and reserve your spot in any of our two onboard restaurants. Seating is limited, but each chef is a 5-star Zagat-rated culinary genius.* Spend your days walking our decks, socializing with other cats (and the occasional stowaway german shepherd), and working out at one of our several cat-friendly gyms. At night, enjoy hilarious cat-themed improv in the Meow-zers Improv Theatre.

Book now, and receive a third litter box for your suite — absolutely free. Enjoy some fun at sea with your cat, and give that little guy the getaway he truly deserves.

*Chef rating pending customer reviews.