Monthly Archives: August 2014

Actual Goldfish Snacks

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Are you tired of imitation snack foods?

Try ACTUAL GOLDFISH!

Unlike their snarky little posing counterparts, Actual Goldfish combine all your favorite snack food flavors with the authenticity of fishbowl life. You’ll no longer need to worry about all those cracker crumbs or pesky Pepperidge Farm particles getting caught between your teeth. Whether you’re sitting at your desk, in the cafeteria, or on public transportation with several horrified onlookers, Goldfish are the perfect way to quell hunger pangs without ruining dinner.

Here at Actual Goldfish, we fishbowl raise (or carnival win) all our snack product. Available in all the popular flavors, enjoy a cheddar cheese or pretzel goldfish the way you would any snack.

“HEY, BUT YOU ARE STILL EATING A LIVE GOLDFISH!”: True, but raw fresh fish is a delicacy. What could possibly make sushi better? Obviously, the answer is a light dusting of bright orange imitation cheddar cheese flavoring.

Let’s face it: in today’s economy, who has the budget for expensive snack crackers? Actual Goldfish are guaranteed to satisfy your rumbling tummy, or YOUR MONEY BACK! GUARANTEED!*

*No returns or refunds under any circumstances whatsoever.

Stereo Stilts

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Have you ever wondered, “When did walking on stilts become so routine?”

Luckily for you, stilts are as always ahead of the technology game! Introducing STEREOSTILTS: stilts with an mp3 dock and built in speakers!

Somewhere, someone’s research might show that the popularity of stilts is at its highest. Still, reports of boredom while walking on stilts have begun to surface across America. While hard to believe, we here at StereoStilts have the answer!

Compatible with any number of bestselling mp3 players, imagine your mundane stilt trips around the block suddenly fueled by a soundtrack of your choice. Your neighbors will suddenly be asking to borrow your sugar after seeing you traipse by with your favorite Pantera, Slayer, or Korn song drowning out all your feelings of inadequacy!

Retiree and avid gardener Edna Wolinski can attest to StereoStilt’s success: “My life turned around the day I discovered I could listen to my Michael Buble as I shuffle down to the market every morning. The high risk of falling and ruining my extremely expensive recent double hip replacement is far outweighed by the feeling I get when I hear “Haven’t Met You Yet” three feet above the sidewalk!”

StereoStilts are available for six hassle-free payments of $999.99. Shipping and tax not included.

 

 

 

 

The Ford Harrison

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Ever wish your family vehicle had a little more “old guy swagger?”

Introducing the Ford Motor Company’s HARRISON!

A stylish throwback model, the Harrison blends adventure and with an aged, rugged look. Usually shy of the limelight at auto shows and exhibitions, the Harrison really shines when it matters most: when you’re looking for a religious artifact or chasing a nazi. Many claim that Ford’s heyday is far in the past, but the car’s features suggest otherwise:

1. Fueled mainly by whiskey/Japanese beer blend

2. Automotive special effects make it look like handling is better than it probably really is

3. Dual airbags optimize chances of saving your wife

4. Constantly malfunctioning hyperdrive feature makes escaping law enforcement more interesting for plot turns

5. Life-sized inflatable Chewbacca fits in the passenger seat for solo carpool lane driving

6. Wooden side panels celebrate the glory days of the 70s

7. Engine wear not determined based on the years, but on the mileage

8. Car’s speakers only play the work of John Williams

9. Front bumper angled downwards for minimal decrease in speed when running over a replicant

Critics have been panning the vehicle recently, but drivers and Ford fans can’t deny the opportunity to see Ford’s Harrison in action time and time again.

TEST DRIVE ONE TODAY!