Category Archives: Humor

Write Your Own Novel Kit 5000

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Do you have insights and social commentary to share, but no one ever asks your opinion?!

Well you’re in luck! Order the WRITE YOUR OWN NOVEL KIT 5000 today!

For a low payment of $89.99—weekly for next three years—you too could be a conduit for pop culture and the American subconscious. You’ll learn the writer’s process in 3 simple steps:

 

  • Start writing
  • Rewrite
  • Second guess your ability and let that doubt creep into all other aspects of your life, driving you into a deep over-analysis and worry about every choice you made

 

Get started getting stuck on one sentence for 35 minutes today! You’ll be drunk-writing 10 pages that will sound like nonsense when you’re sober in no time!

ORDER NOW to enjoy a life of solitude, only showering after accidentally smelling yourself when you reach for booze on the top of the refrigerator.

My First Haircut Kit

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Is your child terrible at giving haircuts?

Well worry no more, because MY FIRST HAIRCUT KIT is here to make your child a pro!

Whether giving himself/herself a trim, helping their parents out with a little off the top, or opening a small barbershop kiosk on the corner of your neighborhood streets, children can now get the vital hair-cutting experience they need.

Designed for children ages 2-6, the haircut kit includes:

  • Professional grade shears
  • Industry grade electric razor (guards sold separately)
  • Shaving (includes 6 pre-sharpened utility blades)
  • Mohawk stencil
  • Hairstyle Instructional pamphlet
  • First aid kit with blood towel
  • Set of legal team business cards

For four easy payments of $69.99, you could start experiencing the convenience of in-home haircuts in the most popular styles — bowl cut, crew cut, OR skin head. Gone are the days of expensive trips to the barber, with unknown hands in your hair and incessant conversation with a stylist or shampooer.

Don’t forget to check out MY SECOND HAIRCUT, an advanced set of tools for your 7-10 year old child, including curlers, dyes and coloring agents, combs, more razors, more scissors, a home-sharpening tool, hairsprays and gels, and a “Yes, I cut my own hair” t-shirt.

ORDER NOW

The Re-Resolutionator

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Now that your New Year’s resolution has failed, want a do-over?

Sounds like you could use the RE-RESOLUTIONATOR!

Using a combination of handheld and cloud technology, the Re-Resolutionator is the device of the future. Simply input your weight, your career, your home address, your family member’s social security numbers, the number of steps you take in a day, your calorie intake, your yearly salary, your wardrobe preference, make and model of your car, and your payment information. Then, the Re-Resolutionator spits out your very own custom (and entirely achievable) NEW New Year’s resolution. It couldn’t be easier!

CUSTOMER TESTIMONIALS:

“I set a goal to run two miles every morning, but that was over by January 3rd. Thanks to the Re-Resolutionator, I have a new goal! It told me to use the word “Bathysphere” in a sentence every day. Now that I can do!” -Gerald K., Fortville, IN

“My new goal is to sell my old pair of rollerblades in a garage sale. Thanks Re-Resolutionator!” – Sarah G., Fargo, MN

“I was up for quitting smoking, but the Re-Resolutionator said I should get into watching soccer. Big win for me.” -Tim B., Saratoga, NY