Category Archives: Humor

The Ford Harrison

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Ever wish your family vehicle had a little more “old guy swagger?”

Introducing the Ford Motor Company’s HARRISON!

A stylish throwback model, the Harrison blends adventure and with an aged, rugged look. Usually shy of the limelight at auto shows and exhibitions, the Harrison really shines when it matters most: when you’re looking for a religious artifact or chasing a nazi. Many claim that Ford’s heyday is far in the past, but the car’s features suggest otherwise:

1. Fueled mainly by whiskey/Japanese beer blend

2. Automotive special effects make it look like handling is better than it probably really is

3. Dual airbags optimize chances of saving your wife

4. Constantly malfunctioning hyperdrive feature makes escaping law enforcement more interesting for plot turns

5. Life-sized inflatable Chewbacca fits in the passenger seat for solo carpool lane driving

6. Wooden side panels celebrate the glory days of the 70s

7. Engine wear not determined based on the years, but on the mileage

8. Car’s speakers only play the work of John Williams

9. Front bumper angled downwards for minimal decrease in speed when running over a replicant

Critics have been panning the vehicle recently, but drivers and Ford fans can’t deny the opportunity to see Ford’s Harrison in action time and time again.

TEST DRIVE ONE TODAY!

HOUSEFILLER! The Home-sharing App

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Don’t you hate it when you come home from vacation, and your stagnant and unexciting home is exactly the way you left it?!

Try HOUSEFILLER!, the home-sharing smartphone application!

Using the popular carpool sharing app model on your cellular device, HOUSEFILLER! automatically locates the closest homeless person to your location, pings them on their smartphone, and invites them to your home to occupy it while you are away. By sharing your house, you will benefit in the following ways:

1. Your plants will get watered.

2. Your pets will be fed.

3. Your food and drink will be consumed.

4. Your television will get watched, lowering the average cost per minute of your cable bill.

5. Your bed will be slept in.

6. Your living spaces will be available for social gatherings.

7. Your carpets will need to be cleaned upon your return.

8. Assistance from law enforcement might be necessary to remove all inhabitants.

9. Your home may suffer irreparable fire damage.

10. Some or all of your belongings may be missing.

This is just a partial list of all the benefits of subscribing to HOUSEFILLER! Happy customers include Jenny M., of Fortville, IN: “I used HOUSEFILLER while I went to Key West with my cousin.”

Thanks Jenny! Spread the good word!

Like we always say at HOUSEFILLER!, “An empty house is just lumber. NO ONE LIKES LUMBER!”

Pete’s Nacho Barn

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Eating Nachos? Good idea.
Hanging out in a barn? Good idea.
Eating Nachos and hanging out in a barn? GREAT IDEA

At least that’s Pete Flores’ philosophy! At Pete’s Nacho Barn, the genius is in the simplicity. You won’t have to worry about making a time consuming and sometimes emotionally complicated choice of nacho toppings in a traditional mexican food restaurant. Pete’s serves them up one way, and one way only: a synthetic blend of cheese substitutes that look like melted plastic poured over a grocery-grade bag of tortilla chips. In a barn.

SOME HISTORY: In 1937, the Flores family began farming in rural Minnesota. By 1949, they had erected a spacious 7-stalled barn for their livestock and crop storage. With the agri-boom of the early 70s, the Flores family was riding high. In 1977, they welcomed Peter Frampton Flores to the fold, and he’s been working hard as a farmhand ever since. Ever since UNTIL NOW that is.

Pete’s Nacho Barn opens nightly at 5:00 p.m., and has a capacity of 80 guests. Taking advantage of the rustic “farm feel,” guests are treated to hay bale seats, horse cart tables, Mrs. Flores’ incessant yelling, and Papa Flores’ disappointed facial expression.