Category Archives: Business

The Philip and Sons Digestible Toothpick

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Tired of the arduous task of throwing your used toothpicks in the proper receptacle?

TRY THE DIGESTIBLE TOOTHPICK FROM PHILIP AND SONS!

Made with special wood fibers, the Digestible Toothpick dissolves in stomach acid in less than 9 hours. After you’ve removed the pesky strawberry seed or apple peel from in between your chompers, simply swallow the toothpick whole. You will never have to worry about cluttering up your car or home with used toothpicks again. Can’t find a wastebasket or your car window won’t roll down? WHO CARES?!

A FAMILY RUN BUSINESS: Started by Philip McBones-McGee Sr. in 2011, Philip and Sons keeps operations small to insure utmost customer service. When dad died unexpectedly of ruptured stomach lining in early 2013, his boys carried the legacy onward testing and bringing digestible toothpicks to market. Today, the product line has swelled to include three FDA approval-pending flavors: Watermelon, Watermelon-Lime, and Bacon.

Available in quantities of 6000, order yours today!

THE FINE PRINT: Investors needed.

The Baby Relaxer 5000

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Is your baby screaming out of control?

SOUNDS LIKE YOU MIGHT NEED THE BABY RELAXER 5000!

Using technology created by NASA engineers, the Baby Relaxer 5000 effectively calms 9 out of 10 angry and hateful babies. HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: Using the Flex-B-Strong straps, attach baby to the torso of large adult male. Without sitting down, the male must softly hum along with the provided 49-track, 2.5 hour baby-soothing CD. Wearing the patent-pending purple satin baby-patting gloves, the male must continually and gently stroke the baby into submission. Slow pacing, rocking, or light bouncing is recommended but not guaranteed in terms of successful taming of evil baby temper. If method proves ineffective after one cycle, repeat as many times as necessary.

The female partner may use this time to commiserate with friends, shop, sleep, or drink the included Mama Relaxer 5000 bottle of wine.

 

THE FINE PRINT: 9 out of 10 tested babies responded well in trials; the 1 unsuccessful case study was Ryan. He’s this inconsolably self-centered 9 year old from down the block who got all indignant about the product and testing process itself. Adult male test subject was equally uncooperative with Ryan affixed to his chest. Needless to say, that specific trial run was a total waste of a perfectly good Saturday afternoon.

 

The Online Medical Doctorate

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Are you tired of being Mr. Nobody? Well, how does DR. NOBODY sound?!

Here at the College of Online Medical Arts, or COMA, we believe changing the world takes one simple tool at a time. That’s where you come in. In as little as 8 weeks, you could have your Medical Doctorate with concentrations available in:

1. Brain Surgery

2. Gynecology

3. Biological Parent Matching

4. Prescription Creation

5. Medicinal Weed

6. Podiatry/Pediatrics

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: The program at COMA affords working professionals and stay-at-home moms alike the opportunity to get their MD in their spare time. With just two short 6 hour online classes per day, you’ll be qualified to put on your scrubs and give the gift of life via heart transplants and/or wisdom teeth removals. The best part? It’s affordable. Our 60 credit program is only $1700 per credit hour. In simpler terms, that’s a cup of coffee in Tokyo.

THE FINE PRINT: COMA is not responsible for any medical procedures completed before, during, or after the program. Tuition non-refundable. Valid only in the state of California, Maine, and Mexico. The operation of medical equipment and machinery, dispensation of medicine, and/or dispensation of medical advice not recommended when under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.