Is your baby screaming out of control?

SOUNDS LIKE YOU MIGHT NEED THE BABY RELAXER 5000!

Using technology created by NASA engineers, the Baby Relaxer 5000 effectively calms 9 out of 10 angry and hateful babies. HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: Using the Flex-B-Strong straps, attach baby to the torso of large adult male. Without sitting down, the male must softly hum along with the provided 49-track, 2.5 hour baby-soothing CD. Wearing the patent-pending purple satin baby-patting gloves, the male must continually and gently stroke the baby into submission. Slow pacing, rocking, or light bouncing is recommended but not guaranteed in terms of successful taming of evil baby temper. If method proves ineffective after one cycle, repeat as many times as necessary.

The female partner may use this time to commiserate with friends, shop, sleep, or drink the included Mama Relaxer 5000 bottle of wine.

THE FINE PRINT: 9 out of 10 tested babies responded well in trials; the 1 unsuccessful case study was Ryan. He’s this inconsolably self-centered 9 year old from down the block who got all indignant about the product and testing process itself. Adult male test subject was equally uncooperative with Ryan affixed to his chest. Needless to say, that specific trial run was a total waste of a perfectly good Saturday afternoon.