Author Archives: Pres Maxson

The Online Medical Doctorate

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Are you tired of being Mr. Nobody? Well, how does DR. NOBODY sound?!

Here at the College of Online Medical Arts, or COMA, we believe changing the world takes one simple tool at a time. That’s where you come in. In as little as 8 weeks, you could have your Medical Doctorate with concentrations available in:

1. Brain Surgery

2. Gynecology

3. Biological Parent Matching

4. Prescription Creation

5. Medicinal Weed

6. Podiatry/Pediatrics

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: The program at COMA affords working professionals and stay-at-home moms alike the opportunity to get their MD in their spare time. With just two short 6 hour online classes per day, you’ll be qualified to put on your scrubs and give the gift of life via heart transplants and/or wisdom teeth removals. The best part? It’s affordable. Our 60 credit program is only $1700 per credit hour. In simpler terms, that’s a cup of coffee in Tokyo.

THE FINE PRINT: COMA is not responsible for any medical procedures completed before, during, or after the program. Tuition non-refundable. Valid only in the state of California, Maine, and Mexico. The operation of medical equipment and machinery, dispensation of medicine, and/or dispensation of medical advice not recommended when under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.

Owl-Away Home Protection System

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Having trouble finding a humane solution to your owl infestation?

SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED OWL-AWAY!

With this revolutionary new home protection system, you will no longer need to waste your shotgun ammunition creating owl carcasses. Based on a scientifically unproven theory, Owl-Away has shown impressive owl eradication results during trial runs at the corporate headquarter testing facility in Antarctica.

 

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: Owls are lured into a wooden box known to avian control professionals as a “birdhouse”. As bait, a deceased animal (minimum weight: 8lbs.) is placed inside the wooden box. Once closed, a series of images including rainbows, flowers, and sunsets are shown to the owl. After 8 months of exposure to these images, the newly domesticated and less murderously inclined owl will once again be set free into your yard.

Without its naturally violent tendencies, the owl will be more likely to succumb to relocation efforts.

THE FINE PRINT: Animal carcass not included. 30 day limited warranty. O-AHPS Inc. does not recommend approaching wild owls before or after domestication process. After Owl-Away, relocation or care for the owl is the responsibility of the customer.

 

The Glass Bottomed Medical Helicopter

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Are your patients not being treated to the best views of the city while being airlifted to the hospital?

WELL TODAY’S THEIR LUCKY DAY!

The next time your patient is screaming as they stare at their compound fracture because they have nothing else to look at, remind them to look through the floor of our revolutionary glass-bottomed medical helicopter. They will be awed by heart-stopping views of the city as you stabilize their vitals and prepare them for the necessary world-class medical attention awaiting them at their destination.

But wait! What if the patient is afraid of heights?

Fear not. Being a fully equipped medical emergency vehicle, you will have all the tools that you need to sedate the patient and take in the view from above in peace.

THE FINE PRINT: The Glass Bottomed Medical Helicopter should not surpass speeds greater than 48 mph. Weight rating H (sustain up to 305lbs. of human passengers, pilot included). GBMH Inc. is not responsible for medical treatment on board aircraft or overall patient safety. Visit our beautiful showroom off I-69 in Fortville, Indiana.