Category Archives: Food

Actual Goldfish Snacks

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Are you tired of imitation snack foods?

Try ACTUAL GOLDFISH!

Unlike their snarky little posing counterparts, Actual Goldfish combine all your favorite snack food flavors with the authenticity of fishbowl life. You’ll no longer need to worry about all those cracker crumbs or pesky Pepperidge Farm particles getting caught between your teeth. Whether you’re sitting at your desk, in the cafeteria, or on public transportation with several horrified onlookers, Goldfish are the perfect way to quell hunger pangs without ruining dinner.

Here at Actual Goldfish, we fishbowl raise (or carnival win) all our snack product. Available in all the popular flavors, enjoy a cheddar cheese or pretzel goldfish the way you would any snack.

“HEY, BUT YOU ARE STILL EATING A LIVE GOLDFISH!”: True, but raw fresh fish is a delicacy. What could possibly make sushi better? Obviously, the answer is a light dusting of bright orange imitation cheddar cheese flavoring.

Let’s face it: in today’s economy, who has the budget for expensive snack crackers? Actual Goldfish are guaranteed to satisfy your rumbling tummy, or YOUR MONEY BACK! GUARANTEED!*

*No returns or refunds under any circumstances whatsoever.

Pete’s Nacho Barn

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Eating Nachos? Good idea.
Hanging out in a barn? Good idea.
Eating Nachos and hanging out in a barn? GREAT IDEA

At least that’s Pete Flores’ philosophy! At Pete’s Nacho Barn, the genius is in the simplicity. You won’t have to worry about making a time consuming and sometimes emotionally complicated choice of nacho toppings in a traditional mexican food restaurant. Pete’s serves them up one way, and one way only: a synthetic blend of cheese substitutes that look like melted plastic poured over a grocery-grade bag of tortilla chips. In a barn.

SOME HISTORY: In 1937, the Flores family began farming in rural Minnesota. By 1949, they had erected a spacious 7-stalled barn for their livestock and crop storage. With the agri-boom of the early 70s, the Flores family was riding high. In 1977, they welcomed Peter Frampton Flores to the fold, and he’s been working hard as a farmhand ever since. Ever since UNTIL NOW that is.

Pete’s Nacho Barn opens nightly at 5:00 p.m., and has a capacity of 80 guests. Taking advantage of the rustic “farm feel,” guests are treated to hay bale seats, horse cart tables, Mrs. Flores’ incessant yelling, and Papa Flores’ disappointed facial expression.

The All Canine Meat Hot Dog

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Is your Fourth of July celebration marred by shoddy hot dog meat?!

TRY THE ALL CANINE MEAT HOT DOG!

Unsubstantiated and biased studies show 1000% of hot dogs in today’s market include an unhealthy combination of beef, pork, horse, chemically synthesized protein molecules and/or human meat. With the wrong proportions of each ingredient, scientists believe eating over 140 of these impure hot dogs in a sitting can be lethal. Why would you do that to yourself?

Well, you don’t have to anymore. There is finally an alternative guaranteed to be at least not more unhealthy than a traditional hot dog. With the All Canine Meat Hot Dog, you can rest assured that your fireside snack’s ingredients are exactly as advertised! Made from only the most tender canine meat available, our herds are fed a careful mix of foods to balance nutrition: bacon, grass, baby bunnies, and assorted table scraps.

A GREEN INITIATIVE: By “recycling” members of the troublesome and swelling domestic canine population, we’re promoting a possibly better but definitely different hot dog for the environment. Here at ACMHD Inc., we are a proud champion of this initiative. For the sake of our children’s children, finally a hot dog company is irreversibly linked to managing our planet’s canine presence.