Author Archives: Pres Maxson

The All Canine Meat Hot Dog

Posted on by
Reply

Is your Fourth of July celebration marred by shoddy hot dog meat?!

TRY THE ALL CANINE MEAT HOT DOG!

Unsubstantiated and biased studies show 1000% of hot dogs in today’s market include an unhealthy combination of beef, pork, horse, chemically synthesized protein molecules and/or human meat. With the wrong proportions of each ingredient, scientists believe eating over 140 of these impure hot dogs in a sitting can be lethal. Why would you do that to yourself?

Well, you don’t have to anymore. There is finally an alternative guaranteed to be at least not more unhealthy than a traditional hot dog. With the All Canine Meat Hot Dog, you can rest assured that your fireside snack’s ingredients are exactly as advertised! Made from only the most tender canine meat available, our herds are fed a careful mix of foods to balance nutrition: bacon, grass, baby bunnies, and assorted table scraps.

A GREEN INITIATIVE: By “recycling” members of the troublesome and swelling domestic canine population, we’re promoting a possibly better but definitely different hot dog for the environment. Here at ACMHD Inc., we are a proud champion of this initiative. For the sake of our children’s children, finally a hot dog company is irreversibly linked to managing our planet’s canine presence.

The Philip and Sons Digestible Toothpick

Posted on by
Reply

Tired of the arduous task of throwing your used toothpicks in the proper receptacle?

TRY THE DIGESTIBLE TOOTHPICK FROM PHILIP AND SONS!

Made with special wood fibers, the Digestible Toothpick dissolves in stomach acid in less than 9 hours. After you’ve removed the pesky strawberry seed or apple peel from in between your chompers, simply swallow the toothpick whole. You will never have to worry about cluttering up your car or home with used toothpicks again. Can’t find a wastebasket or your car window won’t roll down? WHO CARES?!

A FAMILY RUN BUSINESS: Started by Philip McBones-McGee Sr. in 2011, Philip and Sons keeps operations small to insure utmost customer service. When dad died unexpectedly of ruptured stomach lining in early 2013, his boys carried the legacy onward testing and bringing digestible toothpicks to market. Today, the product line has swelled to include three FDA approval-pending flavors: Watermelon, Watermelon-Lime, and Bacon.

Available in quantities of 6000, order yours today!

THE FINE PRINT: Investors needed.

The Baby Relaxer 5000

Posted on by
1

Is your baby screaming out of control?

SOUNDS LIKE YOU MIGHT NEED THE BABY RELAXER 5000!

Using technology created by NASA engineers, the Baby Relaxer 5000 effectively calms 9 out of 10 angry and hateful babies. HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: Using the Flex-B-Strong straps, attach baby to the torso of large adult male. Without sitting down, the male must softly hum along with the provided 49-track, 2.5 hour baby-soothing CD. Wearing the patent-pending purple satin baby-patting gloves, the male must continually and gently stroke the baby into submission. Slow pacing, rocking, or light bouncing is recommended but not guaranteed in terms of successful taming of evil baby temper. If method proves ineffective after one cycle, repeat as many times as necessary.

The female partner may use this time to commiserate with friends, shop, sleep, or drink the included Mama Relaxer 5000 bottle of wine.

 

THE FINE PRINT: 9 out of 10 tested babies responded well in trials; the 1 unsuccessful case study was Ryan. He’s this inconsolably self-centered 9 year old from down the block who got all indignant about the product and testing process itself. Adult male test subject was equally uncooperative with Ryan affixed to his chest. Needless to say, that specific trial run was a total waste of a perfectly good Saturday afternoon.