Category Archives: Humor

JASON-BALL

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Are you tired of all the traditional sports- football, baseball, basketball, etc.?

Maybe you should give “JASON-BALL” a shot!

Created by current JASON-BALL commissioner and University of Akron sophmore Jason B. Schnitzelstein, JASON-BALL features all the excitement of a full contact sport and the complexity of a strategic wits vs. knowledge competition. “We’re very proud of JASON-BALL,” Schnitzelstein boasts as he takes a swig of canned beer. “It’s pretty well thought out. I don’t just make it up as we go along or anything,” he adds without prompting.

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: “So you start with this ball, right?” Schnitzelstein explains between pauses. “And you throw it. If it lands near that lamp, you drink, right? Then I throw the next ball, but if I’m closer then I drink.”

A LOW-COST SPORT FOR THE MASSES: “If you want to be a spectator at a JASON-BALL match, we charge $10 at the door and BYOB. It’s a great business idea, because the ball is the only cost. But, we use a ball that went with a nerf basketball set that I brought from when I was a kid, so we have no costs,” Schitzelstein explains. “Inexpensive for the fans, and pure margin for us.”

At the time of this post, Schnitzelstein was considering dropping out of business school to pursue JASON-BALL full time.

The All-Soda Bartending Service

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Need an experienced bartender for your next event who can mix a mean soda?

IT’S THE ALL-SODA BARTENDING SERVICE!

Let us supply the staff that fuels all the soda pop-related passions of your guests. Our trained professionals take soda mixing well past the under thought (yet extremely popular) suicide, the drink that mixes all available soda choices into one glass.

Our ‘Sodalogists’ can create anything from a Dr. Summertime (that’s Dr. Pepper and Lemonade) to a “Twist on a Classic” (that’s Coca Cola and lemon juice with a dash of crushed red pepper) to a “Moo Moo Mocha Mello” (that’s milk and Mello Yello garnished with an entire Hershey’s chocolate bar). Any one of our concoctions can turn your party inside out faster than Gangnam Style and the Macarena being played simultaneously. The All-Soda Bartending Service is perfect for:

1. Children’s parties where the kids aren’t excited enough

2. Bar or Bat Mitzvahs where the kids won’t dance with each other

3. Basically anytime there are kids who need to be rowdy and aren’t

4. College parties that run out of booze money

5. Retirement parties (as long as no one has a heart condition)

The ASBS also offers a 30-week training school, where you or an unemployed person you know can learn the fine art of soda mixing. For less than you can buy a mid-sized SUV, you could become a certified Sodalogist, complete with your training certificate and complimentary ASBS pen and lanyard. Apply today, and let’s change the world one “7 Babies on a Bender” at a time! (that’s 7UP, baby formula, Tabasco Sauce, and maple syrup).

 

The Hatchback Automobile Collector’s Weekly Periodical

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Surfing the web and can’t find information on your collectible vintage 2003-2006 hatchback family automobile?

Try HATCHBACK AUTOMOBILE COLLECTOR’S WEEKLY!

This weekly newsprint periodical delivers valuable information about your collector’s edition family vehicle right to your door! The HAC Weekly will inform you of the latest car shows, meets, parts sellers, and general goings on regarding some of the most reliable and FUN-ctional family cars from the golden era of hatchback automobile production: the mid-2000s.

Matt from Grand Rapids writes, “That’s great and all, but will this get me any closer to getting a girlfriend who’s proud of my vintage 2006 Ford Focus ZX5 Hatchback in Silver Bullet Platinum?”

YES MATT, THERE IS NO DOUBT IT WILL. Although you have a classic on your hands, the ’06 ZX5s were in the twilight of the hatchback Focus’ glory years. Like-minded collectors will gather in New Silkybourg, KY each year to talk shop, listen to lectures (including the acclaimed “Shut up and Focus” by collector Wayne Brainford Jr.), and partake in round table discussions known as FocusPoints. Many non-owners also arrive to take in the beautiful collections, daydream about owning one of these hatchback miracles of family transport, or just to know the thrill of sitting behind the wheel of a parked, reliable grocery-getter. In short, YES MATT. THERE WILL PROBABLY TONS OF HOT CHICKS THERE.

Get your questions answered and more by subscribing to Hatchback Automobile Collector’s Weekly. Order a yearly subscription now for $933.00 (that’s less than $17.95 per week) and we’ll sent you a free keychain commemorating the rock band, KISS. No delivery on the weeks of Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year’s, Easter, Independence Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Halloween, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, President’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Wayne Brainford Jr.’s birthday, Flag Day, Casimir Pulaski Day, and all religious holidays in all religions.