Monthly Archives: July 2014

The Superhero Action Movie/Musical

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Have you had it with gripping action scenes, dashing heroes, and astounding special effects?

Maybe the modern day action movie isn’t for you. You need more. You need a new genre of film: THE SUPERHERO ACTION MOVIE/MUSICAL!

LET ME SET THE SCENE: Opening credits. Night. The roof of the Chrysler building is backlit dramatically by an enlarged moon, and the silhouette of our masked hero stands on a ledge overlooking the city. As the orchestra swells, he belts out the memorable first lines of the opening song “Different Life”, lamenting his personal solitude amid great popularity. Anonymity is a necessary curse. On the final sad and soaring note of the song, he slowly floats off the ledge and flies into the night, his cape rippling behind.

Scene two: a busy newsroom. Reporters bustle, and young photographers rush to get the best scoop. The opening lines of the energetic “Get the Story” begin as two members of the ensemble converse. “Gee, I hope the boss sends me out for a whale of a story today!” “Awwww Timmy, you’re day will come. I got nothing but truck fires for my first three months!”

The entire office erupts into an extremely well choreographed and exciting song highlighting the peaks and valleys of reporting the news, when a phone rings and someone interrupts the action: “HOOOOOOLD EVERYTHING! THERE’S A KID HANGING FROM THE HARBOR BRIDGE!” The room scatters as the orchestra rapidly replays the theme and our hero is seen flying by the windows.

And so on.

Early box office predictions suggest this new wave of cinema will irreparably change the movie going experience. Audiences will surely react to the mix of melodic artistry and choreographed film violence.

Hollywood has finally found a cure for the pesky live performances of Broadway and the lamentable lack of show tunes in action movies!

 

JASON-BALL

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Are you tired of all the traditional sports- football, baseball, basketball, etc.?

Maybe you should give “JASON-BALL” a shot!

Created by current JASON-BALL commissioner and University of Akron sophmore Jason B. Schnitzelstein, JASON-BALL features all the excitement of a full contact sport and the complexity of a strategic wits vs. knowledge competition. “We’re very proud of JASON-BALL,” Schnitzelstein boasts as he takes a swig of canned beer. “It’s pretty well thought out. I don’t just make it up as we go along or anything,” he adds without prompting.

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: “So you start with this ball, right?” Schnitzelstein explains between pauses. “And you throw it. If it lands near that lamp, you drink, right? Then I throw the next ball, but if I’m closer then I drink.”

A LOW-COST SPORT FOR THE MASSES: “If you want to be a spectator at a JASON-BALL match, we charge $10 at the door and BYOB. It’s a great business idea, because the ball is the only cost. But, we use a ball that went with a nerf basketball set that I brought from when I was a kid, so we have no costs,” Schitzelstein explains. “Inexpensive for the fans, and pure margin for us.”

At the time of this post, Schnitzelstein was considering dropping out of business school to pursue JASON-BALL full time.

The All-Soda Bartending Service

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Need an experienced bartender for your next event who can mix a mean soda?

IT’S THE ALL-SODA BARTENDING SERVICE!

Let us supply the staff that fuels all the soda pop-related passions of your guests. Our trained professionals take soda mixing well past the under thought (yet extremely popular) suicide, the drink that mixes all available soda choices into one glass.

Our ‘Sodalogists’ can create anything from a Dr. Summertime (that’s Dr. Pepper and Lemonade) to a “Twist on a Classic” (that’s Coca Cola and lemon juice with a dash of crushed red pepper) to a “Moo Moo Mocha Mello” (that’s milk and Mello Yello garnished with an entire Hershey’s chocolate bar). Any one of our concoctions can turn your party inside out faster than Gangnam Style and the Macarena being played simultaneously. The All-Soda Bartending Service is perfect for:

1. Children’s parties where the kids aren’t excited enough

2. Bar or Bat Mitzvahs where the kids won’t dance with each other

3. Basically anytime there are kids who need to be rowdy and aren’t

4. College parties that run out of booze money

5. Retirement parties (as long as no one has a heart condition)

The ASBS also offers a 30-week training school, where you or an unemployed person you know can learn the fine art of soda mixing. For less than you can buy a mid-sized SUV, you could become a certified Sodalogist, complete with your training certificate and complimentary ASBS pen and lanyard. Apply today, and let’s change the world one “7 Babies on a Bender” at a time! (that’s 7UP, baby formula, Tabasco Sauce, and maple syrup).